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Call him the Crypto President, for his tweets alone could send Bitcoin into a tizzy of joy or despair. And what of his meme coin, $TRUMP? A digital trophy for the ages! 🎩✨

In June 2025, the brave folks at Circle decided to throw their hat into the ring with an IPO on the New York Stock Exchange. Stock skyrocketed to $300-talk about a lunar ride! That’s a +1,000% return faster than you can say “cryptocurrency is dead,” ahaha! 😂

The analysts, those modern-day soothsayers, are clutching their charts like prayer books, their eyes fixed on the sacred $94,000 support zone. One can almost hear their whispers: “Is this the end of days, or merely a dramatic pause before the next act?” 🎭

Lo, in these tempestuous times, when even the humblest soul clutches at digital ghosts for privacy, Cypherpunk Technologies ($LPTX) hath cast its net with grandiose flair-203,775 Zcash ($ZEC), a sum of $50 million, now bloated to $104 million like a satiated serf after a peasant’s feast. One might call it a “strategic investment,” though we … Read more

Congress, in a miraculous moment of lucidity (or sheer exhaustion), passed the bill. The House said “fine, whatever,” 222-209, and the Senate went “meh, sure” with a 60-40 vote. And just like that, 800,000 federal employees might finally afford, I don’t know, ramen that isn’t instant? 🍜

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In a filing to the US Securities and Exchange Commission-that bastion of seriousness-Canary described Mog Coin (MOG) as a memecoin “associated with the ‘Mog’ internet meme.” 🖼️ Because, in this brave new world, a meme is not just a joke; it’s a cultural artifact, a digital trinket for the masses to worship. “A cultural statement and a collector’s item,” they say. Ah, the poetry of late-stage capitalism!

“It’s an honor to sign this incredible bill and get our country back to work,” Trump declared from the Oval Office, probably while thinking about his next golf outing. ⛳😏 Hundreds of thousands of federal employees can finally stop binge-watching Netflix and get back to their desks, where they’ll promptly start a countdown to the next shutdown. ⏳🤦‍♂️

Atkins, with the solemnity of a man unveiling a particularly tedious tax code, proposed a “token taxonomy”-a framework so structured it might as well be encased in Victorian mahogany. The aim? To distinguish securities from commodities, a task roughly as straightforward as parsing the moral philosophy of a hedge fund manager.

Japan Exchange Group (JPX), the guardian of the Tokyo Stock Exchange, is contemplating quite the theatrical performance to curb the wild ambitions of listed companies that stash digital tokens like squirrels preparing for a nuclear winter, according to the whispers of Bloomberg.