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Now, dear reader, you might be thinking: “If the wizards bought dragons, should I buy dragon food?” Allow me to whisper in your ear like a suspicious character in a tavern:

The Presidential Election Cycle Theory, for instance, is based on data that shows that market performance in the latter two years of each president’s term has tended to outperform the first two years. It’s like a medieval knight’s quest: the first half is filled with battles, the second with feasts (if you’re lucky).

Beta: A measure of how much your heartbeat quickens when you check it. Asset under management: The weight of everyone’s dreams, held prisoner in plastic.

Though their expense ratios-FTEC’s modest 0.08% against VGT’s 0.09%-suggest a rivalry of the most delicate sort, the disparity is trifling, akin to the difference between a pin’s placement in a gown. Their dividend yields, both hovering near 0.4%, might be likened to the careful balance of frugality and generosity in a household of means. Yet it is in the realm of assets under management that the distinction becomes most pronounced: VGT, with £130 billion to FTEC’s £16.7 billion, resembles the elder sister who has long since secured her place in society, while FTEC, though charming and well-connected, remains a younger lady with promising prospects.

Behold, the survey of the American Association of Individual Investors, that most solemn of oracles, reveals a third of its acolytes shivering in the shadows of a looming bear market. A curious spectacle, this collective dread, as if the very air had been infected by a phantom recession, invisible yet palpable, like the ghost of a forgotten tax.