These updates aren’t just corporate jargon in tweets-they’re real, folks! DEX volume spiking, Bitwise’s ETF filing, and institutions drooling over AVAX like it’s the last slice of pizza. Demand? Liquidity? Institutional interest? They’re all here, probably plotting world domination. 🤖
There it stands, opposite Union Square, on the sacred National Mall, a mile’s stroll from the White House. A tribute, they proclaim, to Trump’s “unwavering commitment to advancing the future of finance through Bitcoin and decentralized technologies.” Ah, yes, unwavering indeed, like a weathervane in a hurricane! 🌪️
In what can only be described as a delightful blend of bureaucratic rigor and governmental watchfulness, India has reportedly mandated cybersecurity audits for all cryptocurrency exchanges, custodians, and intermediaries. The Financial Intelligence Unit (FIU), in its infinite wisdom, directed that virtual digital asset (VDA) service providers must engage auditors employed by the Indian Computer Emergency Response Team (CERT-In), according to a quaint report from Economic Times on Sept. 17. Oh, CERT-In, the embattled guardian of the country’s cybersecurity infrastructure, who on this day, alongside the auditors, will witness VDA providers scrambled for compliance, much like myself at a prolonged family dinner. Thrillingly, the completion of these audits is now mandatory for FIU registration, thereby equating VDA service providers with banks under the illustrious Prevention of Money Laundering Act, 2002.
Thomas Chong of Jefferies raised his price target from $108 to $157 like a gambler shuffling a deck with a loaded gun. “Buy” he said, as if the word could buy his way out of a paper bag. His logic? Baidu’s AI ambitions. A company that’s “embraced AI fully and rapidly,” he claimed, as though speed alone could offset the stink of vaporware.
For two days now, the market has clutched at straws, its breath shallow with the scent of desperation, as Puerto Rico’s governor declared a pact sealed: a $4 billion lifeline of liquefied natural gas, to flow over seven years, with the faint hope of a three-year extension. Yet this is but a thread tugged from the loom of a rejected $20 billion vision-a vision smothered in July by the same overseers who now weigh this new compact. Is this a resurrection or a farce staged on the brink of ruin?
Mark Altschwager, a man of few but calculated words, made his move early in the day, increasing his fair value assessment of the retailer’s stock from $15 to a slightly more optimistic $17. His move, though, was not one of the wild exuberance seen in so many market adventures. He, in fact, left his stance on the stock unchanged-neutral, yes, like a judge who neither praises nor condemns but simply observes. How noble, and yet how utterly frustrating for those wishing for a grand declaration!
Its local subsidiary, BitGo Europe, shall now prance about like a peacock, flaunting its ability to cater to institutional clients with an over-the-counter (OTC) trading desk and multiple liquidity venues. 🦚💰 Oh, the opulence! This extension, my dear reader, builds upon BitGo’s previous Markets-in-Crypto-Assets (MiCA) license, a trinket acquired in May 2025, which allowed it to mingle with traditional institutions and crypto natives alike in the European Union.
HSBC’s Piyush Choudhary, that human equivalent of a spam filter, decided Grab’s stock needed a reality check. He flipped his recommendation from “buy” to “hold,” a move so pedestrian it could’ve been written on a napkin during a Zoom meeting. Yet here we are: a 4% freefall because someone decided the stock had “fair-value territory” written all over it. Who knew stock analysis required a therapist?
You see, Wedbush Securities, that august institution known for its remarkably astute analyses of all things tech, decided that it would be terribly clever to revise its rating on Nintendo’s U.S.-listed equity. From the dizzying heights of “outperform” (read: a rip-roaring endorsement) down to a far more pedestrian “neutral.” The result? Nintendo’s American depositary receipts (ADRs) slid by a sprightly 3%, while the S&P 500 index, that gentle giant, barely shuffled at a mere 0.1% dip.
It is quite diverting to observe that, notwithstanding this temporary dalliance with stillness, the undercurrents of purchase persist with vigour. Meanwhile, the social sphere buzzes with ceaseless chatter concerning our dear Solana, denoting an ever-growing fascination amongst its devoted assembly.
