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The FDA, bless their bureaucratic hearts, decided to unclog the Wegovy and Ozempic pipeline. Suddenly, the gravy train for Hims & Hers’ compounding operation hit a brick wall. The writing? It wasn’t on the wall, it was SCRAWLED across the sky in neon, screaming “GET OUT WHILE YOU STILL CAN!” I smelled it coming months ago, a faint whiff of desperation mixed with the sweet scent of impending doom.

One might ask, what is to be done amidst this wreckage? Not to weep, certainly. Not to gnash teeth and declare the end of progress. No, one must sift through the debris, identify the few companies that, through a combination of luck, competence, or sheer stubbornness, might actually survive. I have peered into the gloom, braved the swirling mists of hype, and emerged with a handful of names – not promises of salvation, mind you, but potential salvageable wrecks. Let us examine them, shall we?

Yet, even the most hardened cynic—and I confess, I count myself amongst their number—must acknowledge the virtue of a modicum of preparation. Thus, we present, not a promise of immunity from the inevitable storms, but a selection of instruments—these ‘Exchange Traded Funds’—designed to cushion the fall, or at least, to provide a slightly more comfortable landing. Consider them, if you will, a collection of rather expensive, yet fashionable, crash helmets for the financial head.

Buffett, you see, ran Berkshire Hathaway like a particularly well-organized lemonade stand for sixty years. Sixty years! I’ve had shorter marriages! Now he’s Chairman, which basically means he gets a really comfy chair and still offers opinions nobody asked for. Ackman, meanwhile, is CEO of Pershing Square, a name that sounds suspiciously like a pirate’s gambling den. He’s known for both shorting things into oblivion and, surprisingly, occasionally being right. A true Renaissance man of finance, that one.

February, however, brought a more pronounced shift, a stirring of the waters following the company’s earnings report. To understand this movement, one must consider the broader context, the intricate dance between supply and demand, geopolitical tensions, and the relentless pursuit of profit that drives the modern world. It is not merely a matter of numbers on a screen, but a reflection of human ambition, of the ceaseless striving for material betterment, and the inevitable disappointments that accompany such endeavors.

Everyone’s wondering if they should hold on, anticipating further gains. The earnings are multiplying at a frankly alarming rate, and it’s tempting to believe this could actually, possibly, make one wealthy. The sheer optimism is… unsettling. I’ve started referring to my portfolio as ‘the future me’ which feels… slightly delusional. But let’s try to be rational. Let’s look at the numbers, shall we? And maybe have that third coffee after all.

Canada, having embraced recreational cannabis since 2018, has proven a rather unenthusiastic host. Aurora Cannabis, alas, has found itself adrift in a sea of competition, oversupply, and the ever-watchful gaze of regulators. A familiar story, one might add. The United States, with its considerably larger populace, offers a more promising stage. The recent reclassification of cannabis by President Trump – a move as unexpected as it was potentially lucrative – has ignited a flicker of hope. To reclassify a substance is, after all, to acknowledge its existence, and existence is the first step towards profit.

They haven’t actually, you know, made any money yet. Which, fine. Startups. But the pressure! They’re talking about 2026 like it’s some kind of deadline carved in stone. Like the FAA is just sitting around waiting for Archer to get its act together. The FAA! Those people have standards. And paperwork. Mountains of paperwork. It’s a bureaucracy! You think they’re impressed by a sleek design? They want safety reports. And contingency plans. And probably a blood sacrifice. Okay, maybe not a blood sacrifice, but you get my point.

The question, of course, is whether this payout represents a secure foundation for future returns, or merely a temporary indulgence. A prudent investor, much like a discerning matchmaker, seeks compatibility and long-term prospects, rather than a fleeting attraction.