THEY BOTH PLAY THE DIVIDEND GAME, BUT ONE’S A CLOWN CAR AND THE OTHER’S A ROCKET SCIENCE LAB. THIS ISN’T JUST A RACE TO THE BANK-IT’S A WAR OF TRENDS, FEES, AND THE SILENT SCREAM OF MARKET HEDGES. LET’S DIVE IN, YOU LUNATICS.
Harpreet S. Dhaliwal, Chief Technical Ops Officer of Vaxcyte (PCVX +0.69%), recently orchestrated a transaction worthy of a stock market ballet-disposing of 9,743 shares in a maneuver that netted approximately $454,891, as documented in the sacred scrolls of SEC Form 4.
Here’s the tea: Splits are less “get rich quick” and more “here’s a magnifying glass so you can squint at the same amount of money.” But hey, if you’re dying to know which companies might hand out free paper cuts in 2026, I’ve got a list. Just don’t mistake this for a treasure map.
Meanwhile, the crypto market’s “resurgence” continues like a toddler on a sugar rush. Bitcoin (BTC) is flirting with $90k, up 1%, because apparently, $89,440 wasn’t dramatic enough. Ethereum (ETH), Ripple (XRP), Solana (SOL), and the entire cast of crypto tokens are trading in “positive territory”-a term we’ll define as “not down 90% today.” 🚀
But wait! The drama continues. Marathon Fusion tried to jazz up mercury into gold like it’s 5️⃣⃣ Demi Moore (if she’d picked better scripts). 🥁 Their “gold alchemy” would produce enough sparkle to fund a very* modest prince… if you ignore the fact that science can now basically print gold like it’s selling discount coins on Amazon. 🤨
This analyst, Burak Kesmeci – a name I fully expect to be mispronouncing at a cocktail party – noticed Bitcoin went up almost 4% since January 1st. Groundbreaking. He also says Americans are buying more of it. Which, again, doesn’t surprise me. America loves a hype cycle. He’s looking at “Coinbase premiums” which is basically how much extra US investors are willing to pay. Turns out, they’re still a little skeptical, which, honestly, good for them. 😌
With routine escrow unlocks adding minimal net supply, market sentiment is shifting from fear to structural resilience. 🤯 Or just a very tired market.
Where now, dear reader, are the treasures of XRP? Do they lie in the dustbins of retail gloom? Nay! For while sentiment teeters like a drunkard on a scaffold, data whispers of ETF inflows so vast they make financial economists reconsider their life choices. Santiment’s scrolls reveal bearish chatter now waxing 20-30% fiercer than November’s moping-that is to say, depths plumbed even by the most embittered ex.
Ended ’25 at twenty cents, which is…well, it’s somethin’. Now, we took this situation to one of them artificial thinkin’ machines, ChatGPT, and asked it what ’26 held. Wanted to know the worst, the absolute bottom of the barrel. Figured even a machine can spin a yarn about money.
