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They call it DevSecOps. Sounds… complicated. Basically, it’s where people write code and try not to get hacked. Good idea, right? Seems logical. And now they’re adding AI. Of course. Everyone’s adding AI. It’s the new thing to do. It’s like they’re admitting the old way wasn’t good enough. And then they want you to pay extra for it! A hybrid model, they call it. It’s always a “model” these days. Like it’s some sort of high fashion statement. I just want the code to work!

Revenue for the fourth quarter jumped a respectable 24% to $59.9 billion. Spending, as these things often do, went up too, which is always a bit of a balancing act. But investors, being the shrewd bunch they are, had anticipated that. Net income still rose a healthy 9% to $22.8 billion, or $8.88 per share. Not bad. Not bad at all.

By the close of trading, the stock had risen by more than eleven percent—a significant tremor in the usually placid landscape of telecom investments. A quiet signal, perhaps, that something essential is shifting.

Shares of this esteemed company have commenced the year with an unseemly haste, soaring upwards as if propelled by the very vanity they seek to address. A rise of some twenty-six percent, they boast, whilst the broader market merely ambles along at a respectable, if unremarkable, pace. One wonders, of course, if this is genuine enthusiasm, or merely the collective delusion of investors, ever eager to chase the latest glittering object.

McDonald Capital Investors, they’re called. Sounds terribly sensible. They’ve just splashed out around $24.39 million on 86,891 shares of FactSet Research Systems (FDS +0.62%). Which, let’s be honest, is more than I spend on groceries in a year. Probably more than I earn in a year. It’s all terribly unfair.

The S&P 500 (SNPINDEX: ^GSPC) went down 0.45% to 6,938. Just… down. And the Nasdaq (NASDAQINDEX: ^IXIC) decided to join the pity party, falling 0.94% to 23,462. Honestly, it’s just exhausting. You try to make rational investment decisions, and then this happens. AT&T (T +4.32%) and T-Mobile (TMUS +4.19%) were up. Why? Because… reasons. Wireless growth, apparently. It’s all so arbitrary. They’re all just competing to see who can make the most complicated bill.

This fintech concern, you see, has recently posted a return of 62% – a figure that, while not entirely unprecedented, is certainly not to be sniffed at. One suspects it’s poised for another rather good showing, and one is always partial to a bit of sensible optimism, wouldn’t you agree?

MKS, a company which, while not exactly a household name, quietly produces the sort of instruments and tools that keep the semiconductor industry ticking over – a vital function, you’ll agree – announced the news on Wednesday afternoon. They’ve floated a billion euro issue of senior notes – a substantial sum, naturally – in a private offering, a move that suggests a certain confidence in their future prospects.

The franchise model, you see, is not about building empires, but about shifting responsibility. A clever sleight of hand. They don’t run the stores, they merely collect the tributes. The franchisees bear the weight of brick and mortar, the endless churn of labor, the fluctuating price of poultry. It’s a remarkably elegant arrangement, really. A system designed to maximize returns while minimizing exposure to… reality. They call it scalable. I call it abdication.

They’re paying attention to the wrong things, these poor bastards. They think a dividend is a sign. A beacon of stability in the swirling vortex of tech speculation. Nvidia started doling out pennies in 2012. Pennies! As if a few measly dollars tossed to the masses will somehow justify the current valuation. They want $10,000 a year in payouts? Let’s do the math, shall we? It’ll take over FORTY-SEVEN MILLION dollars to snag 250,000 shares. FORTY-SEVEN MILLION! I need a drink.