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David Tepper, a fellow who runs Appaloosa Management (a name that conjures images of particularly stubborn equines, doesn’t it?), has a reputation for not losing quite as much money as most people. So, when he started rearranging the furniture in his portfolio – specifically, trimming his holdings in Nvidia and Amazon last quarter – it raised an eyebrow. Or, in my case, caused a small, internal debate with the yield-seeking gnome who advises me on these matters.¹ These two stocks, you see, have been reliably dispensing profits like a well-maintained chocolate fountain.

The proposed acquisition of Warner Bros. assets – those tiresome franchises like Harry Potter, Game of Thrones, and the entire DC universe – would have been, undoubtedly, a rather grand gesture. One imagines endless possibilities for exploitation, new programs, and a general increase in revenue. But, honestly, a bit much, don’t you think? And those Netflix Houses? Filling them with Wednesday and Stranger Things paraphernalia… a touch provincial, wouldn’t you agree?

The company’s venture into effervescent novelties – a line of sparkling beverages dubbed “Beyond Immerse” – has added a peculiar gloss to the narrative. One detects a subtle, almost desperate, attempt to diversify, to escape the confines of a plant-based meat market proving less receptive than initially envisioned. It is as if, having failed to convince the world that peas can convincingly masquerade as beef, Beyond Meat now proposes to quench its thirst with peach mango-flavored carbonation. A curious pivot, indeed.

PAX Gold, for instance, has demonstrated a pleasing upward trajectory, mirroring the performance of the metal itself. As gold appreciates, so too does its digital echo. In a world increasingly prone to geopolitical dramas and the capricious whims of tariffs, one might suggest that a little prudence, and a little gold, are never amiss. Indeed, to ignore the enduring appeal of gold in such times would be a display of financial naiveté bordering on the scandalous.

Citrini put out a report, more of a warning, really. Written as if it’s already happened. 2028. The market’s taken a dive, a proper one. Thirty-eight percent gone, vanished into the digital ether. They’re calling it a scenario. Smart men use soft words when they’re talking about disaster. But the numbers don’t lie. And this one feels… plausible.

The month lacked any truly seismic news. No revolutionary breakthroughs, no hostile takeovers, merely the usual ebb and flow of the market. The stock, like a seasoned gambler, simply shuffled with the cards, riding the currents of the memory and artificial intelligence sectors. A secondary stock offering did surface, but a closer inspection reveals it was Western Digital shuffling its own chips—a rather elegant maneuver, if you consider they weren’t contributing any new capital. It’s a bit like selling a slightly used hat and calling it an investment.

The current valuation, as expressed by those who traffic in such abstractions, has suffered a decline – approximately 28% from its prior zenith. Some perceive this as an invitation, a momentary lapse in the market’s otherwise relentless pursuit of the illusory perfect price. But to assume a simple correlation between price and inherent worth is to fall prey to the oldest of financial fallacies. It is akin to believing a reflection in a distorted mirror is a true representation of the object before it.

They reported perfectly decent numbers, you see – a good, solid quarter, all shiny and new – but then came the announcement. Two hundred billion dollars! That’s enough money to buy every sweet shop in the world ten times over! The grown-ups immediately started muttering about ‘capital expenditures’ and ‘free cash flow,’ which sounds terribly important, but mostly means they were worried Amazon was about to spend a fortune on… well, on more of everything. The shares took a tumble, and stayed down for the rest of the month, finishing 12% lighter. A proper boo-hoo moment for some.

Investors, ever the optimists, appear to be still rather pleased with Circle’s quarterly report, delivered on Wednesday. Revenue and reserves, it seems, leaped by 77% year on year to a considerable $770 million. This was, naturally, fuelled by a surge in USDC circulation – a tidy 72% increase to $75.3 billion by the year’s end. One suspects these figures are, as always, open to interpretation.