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Patel, that paragon of bureaucratic foresight, found himself in a Congressional hearing ostensibly about matters far more consequential than doughnuts. Yet when asked about government officials’ stock portfolios-a topic as dry as a stale cronut-he casually mentioned seeing “a good investment opportunity” in Krispy Kreme. One might as well ask a teapot about the meaning of life and receive a dissertation on tea leaves. Patel had already disclosed his stake months prior, but the delay in SEC filings created a fog of uncertainty: Was this a holding, a hedge, or a particularly sweet dream?

For the discerning contrarian, the proposition arises: should one aloofly regard their $5,000-a sum untainted by life’s pressing obligations-as an opportunity for investment? Perhaps indulging in the peculiar delights of two illustrious tech stocks might just be the affronting act of rebellion we require in these uncertain times.

In this bewildering landscape of semiconductor fabrication, where cash is akin to a lifeline, Intel found itself suffocated by the impenetrable demands of scaling its Intel 18A process while simultaneously grappling with the burdensome mechanics of developing the upcoming Intel 14A process-each endeavor linked inexorably to the necessity of external clientele, which would justify the exorbitant investments required. In a strange twist, the release from this existential pressure came, as if by fate, through the machinations of Nvidia (NVDA).

As of Thursday, the stock has blasted up by 24.6%-that’s right, you heard it, 24.6%! Talk about *launching* to the moon! Well, sort of. According to our good friends over at S&P Global Market Intelligence, at 1:10 p.m. ET, IonQ was making waves like a surfer on a quantum wave-catching the attention of investors like your neighbor’s cat catching a laser pointer. It’s that fast.

Indeed, the market, that most fickle of muses, has once again been charmed by the alchemy of quantum contracts. Rigetti’s partnership with QphoX-a Dutch firm whose name evokes the whimsy of a Dutch tulip-promises to unravel the mysteries of quantum networking. One imagines two scholars in waistcoats, sipping tea, debating whether quantum processors can collaborate with the same grace as a well-run shareholder meeting. The goal, of course, is to solve problems collectively, a feat that would make even the most stoic of dividend hunters reconsider their patience.

Ah, but what could possibly be amiss in this grand spectacle of electronic warfare? One must ponder, for the world is a stage, and AMD stands in a dimly lit corner, clutching its stock like a child clings to a tattered toy, its face a mask of bewilderment.

Enter stage left, two titans vying for mastery in this mystical domain: IonQ (IONQ), sprightly and spry, was the first to take a swan dive into public waters back in 2021, while the venerable International Business Machines (IBM), that ancient relic of tech-fueled wizardry, let loose its very own quantum computer into the cloud, a whimsical foray initiated way back in 2016.