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Between October 24 and November 5, the firm acquired nearly 170 BTC, a pittance of $14 million, as if plucking coins from the pockets of the proletariat. Eric Trump, anointed Chief Strategy Officer, proclaims their strategy a masterpiece of scaled mining and market manipulation. Yet, one cannot help but wonder: is this the face of innovation, or the mask of avarice? 🤡

“Breaking: The Emperor Trump, in his infinite wisdom, decrees a ‘tariff dividend’ of $2,000 per soul. Behold, the stimulus checks return, like a bad penny or a venereal disease.”

On an ordinary November morning, it was divulged that Stream Finance, that marauder of yield-bearing stablecoin fame, had pilfered $93 million from-very literally-an external benefactor. This meant that _dear_ deposits were ostensibly in peril, and with that, the humble xUSD bid its peg adieu much like a departing lover on a foggy Petersburg night. Other precarious ventures, much like acquaintances in a village, felt the sting by association. From Stable Labs’ deUSD to Elixir’s USDX, all peeled back their stability like a wilted prima donna. Morpho, the local gossip, only hastened the panicked dispatch of capital in a hilarious rush.

Bitcoin, the siren of the digital age, has weathered storms, retreating from its peak like a poet’s lament, dragging down ether, solana, and the rest in its wake. 🌩️

As of Sunday, Bitcoin was sittin’ at a cool $101,900-hardly what you’d call a bargain after peekin’ at a high of over $126,300. Its market cap has shrunk to a mere $2 trillion-just enough to buy a few yacht loads of fancy bourbon. 🥃

Binance, the big kahuna of crypto exchanges, dropped a monthly report that reads like a detective novel-except the detective is confused, and the killer is still at large. Analysts have been squinting at their screens, trying to spot trends that started gaining steam in November. Spoiler: it’s not just memes and magic internet money.

Apparently, $1.28 billion vanished from US Bitcoin Spot ETFs last week. That’s more than I’ve made in… well, ever. According to SoSovalue, Friday alone saw $558.4 million flee. It’s like a digital gold rush in reverse, except instead of pickaxes, everyone’s wielding a “sell” button. Institutional investors, bless their cautious hearts, are apparently deciding that maybe, just maybe, digital money isn’t quite the future just yet.