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Thomas Chong of Jefferies raised his price target from $108 to $157 like a gambler shuffling a deck with a loaded gun. “Buy” he said, as if the word could buy his way out of a paper bag. His logic? Baidu’s AI ambitions. A company that’s “embraced AI fully and rapidly,” he claimed, as though speed alone could offset the stink of vaporware.

For two days now, the market has clutched at straws, its breath shallow with the scent of desperation, as Puerto Rico’s governor declared a pact sealed: a $4 billion lifeline of liquefied natural gas, to flow over seven years, with the faint hope of a three-year extension. Yet this is but a thread tugged from the loom of a rejected $20 billion vision-a vision smothered in July by the same overseers who now weigh this new compact. Is this a resurrection or a farce staged on the brink of ruin?

Mark Altschwager, a man of few but calculated words, made his move early in the day, increasing his fair value assessment of the retailer’s stock from $15 to a slightly more optimistic $17. His move, though, was not one of the wild exuberance seen in so many market adventures. He, in fact, left his stance on the stock unchanged-neutral, yes, like a judge who neither praises nor condemns but simply observes. How noble, and yet how utterly frustrating for those wishing for a grand declaration!

HSBC’s Piyush Choudhary, that human equivalent of a spam filter, decided Grab’s stock needed a reality check. He flipped his recommendation from “buy” to “hold,” a move so pedestrian it could’ve been written on a napkin during a Zoom meeting. Yet here we are: a 4% freefall because someone decided the stock had “fair-value territory” written all over it. Who knew stock analysis required a therapist?

You see, Wedbush Securities, that august institution known for its remarkably astute analyses of all things tech, decided that it would be terribly clever to revise its rating on Nintendo’s U.S.-listed equity. From the dizzying heights of “outperform” (read: a rip-roaring endorsement) down to a far more pedestrian “neutral.” The result? Nintendo’s American depositary receipts (ADRs) slid by a sprightly 3%, while the S&P 500 index, that gentle giant, barely shuffled at a mere 0.1% dip.

Before the opening bell had even begun its infernal toll, we get a shiny little note from Parker Lane over at Stifel. He’s not just a typical analyst, mind you. This is a man who has never met a stock he couldn’t fall in love with, and Braze? Oh, he’s got eyes for it like a predator locked onto its next meal. A solid buy recommendation and a price target of $40 per share-remember that number. It might mean something in this hellscape, or it might just be the musings of a man who’s seen too many numbers and not enough sunshine.

What lies behind this modest uptick? Why, a rather impressive $3.2 billion in fresh capital, courtesy of a clever flotation of zero-coupon convertible senior notes. The fortunate buyers, as always, remain elusive, as Alibaba chose to withhold the identities of these “certain non-U.S. persons”-a term as delightfully vague as it is ominous. A stroke of subtlety, perhaps, in the murky world of international finance.