Let us consider, with all due seriousness, a device both elegant and advantageous-namely, the Roth IRA-as a means by which an aspiring individual might, over time, reach that most desirable threshold of financial independence.
Yes, quantum breakthroughs could someday break cryptography like a teenager snapping a pencil in half, but experts agree that’s probably not happening before 2030. So, no need to cancel your crypto subscriptions just yet-they’ll be fine. Well, mostly-unless you’re into obsessively worrying about technological doom, then maybe stockpile some quantum-proof toaster ovens. Stay calm, and hold your Bitcoin.
Beta measures price volatility relative to the S&P 500; beta is calculated from five-year weekly returns. The 1-yr return represents total return over the trailing 12 months.
These Exchange-Traded Fantods2 allow mortals to dabble in crypto without the hassle of actually owning coins, which is probably for the best given how often they vanish into the ether3. Yet their recent performance suggests that even in this realm of probabilistic economics, size and seniority confer advantages. IBIT, the elder artifact, has accumulated assets under management like a dragon counting coins, while ETHV, the upstart, flaps its wings with less fanfare.
In Xinjiang, a province better known for its cotton than its crypto, some 400,000 miners were unceremoniously unplugged. One moment they were humming along, the next-a scene of confusion rivaling a Marx Brothers sketch. Forced to sell Bitcoin to fund their hasty retreat, these digital prospectors now face the grim arithmetic of survival.
With the gravitas of a man who has gazed into the abyss of legacy systems, Chain Cartel whispers of SWIFT’s clandestine intentions: to build a blockchain-based ledger, yet deny it with the subtlety of a sledgehammer. “They speak of a ‘single source of truth,’ but what is this if not Ripple’s blueprint, reborn and rebranded?” 🤡 One might imagine SWIFT’s engineers sweating over their whiteboards, muttering, “Surely this is not plagiarism… it’s inspiration.”
“Tom Lee still has $1 billion in cash. Will he keep buying the dip?” asked Arkham Intelligence, as if the question were a riddle from a forgotten scroll. 🧙♂️
In the misty realms of the United Kingdom, the Financial Conduct Authority-that stalwart guardian of fiscal propriety-has launched a consultation so broad, so sweeping, it could only be described as a tour de force of regulatory zeal. 🧐 The government, ever the diligent steward, seeks to corral the unruly crypto markets into a framework of rules and decorum. Months of feedback, policy wrangling, and industry hand-wringing have culminated in this moment-a clarion call for tougher regulation, lest the digital assets run amok like untamed horses in a drawing room. 🐎
This follows their December 16th pact with Project Eleven-a collaboration so clandestine, one might say they’ve formed a secret society to thwart hypothetical computers. 🕵️♂️📜
In 2025, the debate around Bitcoin’s “fee future” is hotter than a crypto conference in July. When fees drop, users cheer, miners grumble, and suddenly, the whole “security model” feels like a risky gamble. 🕵️♂️ Cointelegraph reported fees plunged 80% since April 2024-some blocks are practically free! 🤑 But let’s be real: stable UX? Not happening if you’re relying on luck. 🤷♀️