In a twist that’s more surprising than finding a stablecoin that actually stays stable, JPMorgan Chase CEO Jamie Dimon has done a 180 on crypto. The guy who once scoffed at Bitcoin like it was a fad diet has now admitted, “Crypto is real. Blockchain is real. Stablecoins are real.” 🏦🔗 Yes, Jamie, we’ve been trying to tell you that for years. Better late than never, I suppose.
As if that wasn’t enough of a catastrophe to thrill the jesters, multiple security firms-from PeckShield to the delightful Mikko Ohtamaa-are racing against the clock, reporting that Balancer and its charming little doppelgängers are under attack. The losses? Rubbing shoulders with the billions-well, approximately $128.64 million, but who’s counting? Certainly not the hackers, apparently. 🕵️♂️💰
It was on a day when the winds, which had been turbulent for months, seemed to calm slightly that Tandem Financial, a firm nestled amidst the rugged Colorado peaks, disclosed a transaction of considerable interest. In a filing with the Securities and Exchange Commission, they revealed a fresh stake in the JPMorgan Active Bond ETF (JBND +0.11%), marking the beginning of a new chapter for the firm. With the acquisition of 104,880 shares, the firm had positioned itself with a figure that would later become synonymous with quiet confidence. The deal, amounting to $5.7 million, signaled the firm’s initial venture into the world of actively managed bond ETFs.
Florida’s Fortress Wealth Group dropped 27,140 shares of the First Trust Mid Cap Core AlphaDEX Fund (FNX +0.46%) during the third quarter. The value? $3.3 million. That’s enough to buy a small island, or a very fancy coffee machine. The fund now holds 11,107 shares worth $1.4 million. That’s like having a tiny sliver of a cake after everyone else has taken their share.
According to the scribes at Matrixport, the institutional appetite for ETH has withered like a flower in winter. BitMine, that enigmatic entity, is proclaimed the “only consistent buyer” of the token. The ETH ETFs, once the darlings of October, have performed with all the vigor of a man condemned to Siberia. 🥶
The price per share? A paltry $5.76, the kind of figure that makes a man chuckle if he’s got the coin and weep if he’s counting cents.
As for Altcoins, they plunged like autumn leaves in a playful windfall, their values oscillating between 5% and 10% as traders seemingly played musical chairs, returning to the steadfast embrace of Bitcoin in the waltz of macro uncertainty. The coming week stands poised, an eager prima donna, with both economic annals and blockchain narratives converging. 📚
The token did, for a fleeting moment, attempt to reach for the heavens, achieving a peak of $1.26 before, alas, succumbing to gravity and descending slightly. As of this very instant, it trades at $1.05, a nine percent improvement over yesterday – a paltry sum, considering the initial excitement, wouldn’t you agree? Still, it remains a shadow of its former self, diminished by ten percent over a week and a lamentable fifty percent over a full month. A melancholy tale indeed. 😔
Bill 458/21, approved by Brazil’s National Congress on October 29, is the government’s latest attempt to say, “Yes, we know you have that Bitcoin. And no, we’re not letting you pretend it’s just a ‘hobby.’” The REARP plan (Special Regime for Asset Update and Regularization) is basically a bureaucratic buffet where you can declare your unreported assets-real estate, crypto, etc.-but only if you’re okay with paying half of their value as a tax and the other half as a fine. It’s like a 50/50 raffle, but the only prize is legal clarity and a nagging sense of regret.
Centrist MP Jean-Paul Matteï, the hero with a pencil, trotted out this brilliant idea on October 22, and the beloved National Assembly-yes, the same folks who brought you the French fries and the Eiffel Tower-gave it a thumbs-up, 163-150! It was a close call, folks-closer than your grandma’s bingo night. Now, of course, it’s gotta go through the usual hoops: Senate, budget, more hoop-jumping, and maybe a little French wine. 🍷
