Mind you, it’s taken nearly three years to reach this stage, which is about as speedy as a tortoise with a hangover. The crypto exchange, which went belly-up in November 2022, has been a veritable quagmire of financial shenanigans and legal tomfoolery. 🕰️💔
His total Bitcoin investment has ballooned to a staggering $47.54 billion, with an average purchase price of $74,079. As long as BTC stays above this threshold, our fearless Saylor stays afloat-probably floating on a cloud of profit. Currently, the company’s treasure chest is worth a majestic $67.7 billion, a cheerful 42% profit despite Bitcoin’s recent bearish tantrums. Who says bears win every time? 🐻🧙♂️
Oh, look, Nanyang Technological University, or, as I call it, the beacon of brilliance NTU Singapore, has decided to buddy up with Zero Gravity (0G). Let’s throw an insane $3.84 million at this collaboration because apparently, AI needs transparency almost as much as I need a good steak. And guess what? This might be the first time a university is having a prom with a blockchain firm.
If you had to sum up bitcoin’s market action since June, “range-bound” and “directionless” might fit the bill. Or, as I like to call it, “the financial equivalent of a toddler spinning in circles.” 🐶
In a feat that would make even the most stoic of showgirls blush, revenue has skyrocketed by an astonishing 87%, reaching a splendid $50.6 million. Oh, darlings, digital assets alone now contribute to this flourish-$43.4 million, to be precise. Yes, Bitcoin’s nearly doubling, and so is the company’s confidence, it seems. 🎩
Like Bitcoin and Ethereum-its flashier cousins-XRP embarked on a jaunt past $2.320, then $2.350, as if late for a very important date. The $2.420 resistance fell like a poorly constructed metaphor, and soon it was breezing past $2.50 with the confidence of a man who’s just faked his way into a VIP section.
Ethereum, ever the drama queen, briefly dipped below $3,250 before remembering that crashing isn’t great for PR. It then staged a comeback, breezing past $3,350 and $3,420 like they were mere speed bumps on its way to glory. Or oblivion. It’s hard to tell with crypto.
In what may be due to inspiration or sheer alacrity, once trumpeted as the sovereign messiahs for tomorrow, central bank digital currencies perch precariously in the twilight, swayed by the magnetism of tokenized deposits and HKD-backed stablecoins at the recent Hong Kong FinTech Week soirée. 🍸
The filing, dated November 4, 2025, reads like a confession. A quarter’s worth of shares, discarded like yesterday’s bread, now rest in the vaults of history. The average close price, a mere shadow of hope, paints a portrait of a fund that has long since abandoned its promise. For every dollar invested, the system returned a fraction, while the fees gnawed like rats at the carcass of optimism.
Here’s the binary take, darling: either we’re on the “road to the bull” 🐂💨, or we’re sliding straight into the “path to the pig” at $0.06 🐷💸-which, let’s be honest, sounds like a rejected children’s book. VisionPulsed, bless his risk-assessing heart, kept it real: “I’m not going to sit here yelling $5 Doge like a maniac on energy drinks.” Thank you, sir. Finally, someone with restraint. (Though honestly, at this point, I’d settle for $1 just to impress my sister who invested in NFT monkeys.)
