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Ladies and gentlemen, Arthur Hayes, co-founder of Bitmex, has penned an essay titled Hallelujah-a name chosen with the gravitas of a Shakespearean tragedy. In it, he posits that U.S. Treasury debt (now a $2 trillion annual affair) and the Fed’s Standing Repo Facility (SRF) will inject liquidity so copiously, one might mistake it for a magician’s money tree. The result? A bull market so fierce, even Warren Buffett would trade Berkshire for a crypto wallet.

Behold! The crypto-friendly fintech giant, with its Q3 earnings per share of 54 cents, missed the mark by a staggering 14%-like trying to hit a target with a blindfold and a spoon! 🎯 Yet, its revenues, though up 2.3%, fell short of expectations, as if the financial gods had a bad day. 🤷‍♂️

The United Kingdom, in a fit of bureaucratic flair, will unveil a consultation on stablecoins on November 10th. The hope is to finalize by late 2026-just in time to unintentionally mirror the US government’s regulatory quagmire. The number of crypto enthusiasts has skyrocketed from 2.3 million to a staggering 7 million, a 204% leap. One might call it a miracle… or a collective lapse in judgement.

Let’s recap: Western Union, the folks who made “telegraph” a household word in 1861, is now building a dollar-backed stablecoin called USDPT. Because obviously, blockchain and digital wallets are the new telegraph poles. 📜💻

Investors, those fickle creatures, are pirouetting into resilient assets and on-chain RWAs. A touch of selective bullishness, darling-like choosing a vintage wine in a world of vinegar. 🍷

The news sent crypto investors into a frenzy, their hearts racing like they were about to discover the last loaf of bread in a famine. Skeptics, meanwhile, clutched their pearls, muttering about bubbles and the inevitable crash. “A dangerous bubble?” one snorted. “More like a hot-air balloon made of wishes and margin calls.”

Ray Dalio, the mastermind behind Bridgewater Associates and the “Big Debt Cycle” theory, is waving a big red flag 🚩 at anyone popping champagne corks over the Fed’s pivot from QT to QE. His message? Hold your horses-this party might end in tears. 😭🎈

According to reports, the institute is now finalizing the process to liquidate the assets, as if casting pearls before swine-or regulators. Swine, perhaps, but with better PowerPoint slides.

Enter Mr. Darkfost, the top analyst with a penchant for drama, who whispers of a “major shift” beneath the surface. Ah yes, the Great Jellybean Bank of Bitcoin’s open interest-once a glittering tower of confidence-has been reduced to a soggy crumb. Since the infamous “Great Jellybean Splat” on October 10, where $10 billion vanished like magic tricks at a toddler’s birthday party, leverage has been playing hide-and-seek. The 30-day decline? A record-breaking slump worthy of a standing ovation… from the ghost of greed past.

According to their Thursday sermon-er, announcement-the mystical data will start shimmering into view within a couple of weeks. Just type your question like a genius, and behold the shiftings of fate-most of which will be as unpredictable as your grandma’s opinion on TikTok. 🎱