10 terrible number-one songs of the 1980s

As a kid growing up in the ’80s, I thought I had it made with all the cool music that was coming out. But then came “Stars on 45,” a medley of random songs mashed together into one long, agonizing dance track. I can still remember the first time I heard it on the radio, my heart filled with excitement as I recognized the opening notes of “Funky Town.” But that feeling quickly turned to frustration and confusion as the song morphed into “Video Killed the Radio Star” and then “Sugar Sugar,” before being overtaken by a barrage of Beatles songs.

Growing up in the 1980s, I was fortunate enough to be surrounded by a rich tapestry of music that continues to shape my tastes and influences to this day. The decade was a golden age for music production, with artists pushing boundaries and creating sounds that were truly groundbreaking. From the catchy pop tunes that filled the airwaves, to the raw power and emotion of rock and roll, the 1980s had it all. It’s a part of my life that I cherish deeply, and every time I hear a classic hit from that era, I’m transported back to those carefree days. So, let me make this clear, there was some exceptional music produced in the 1980s, and it holds a special place in my heart.

With the warning given, I’d like to add that, based on Billboard Top 100 hits in the US, the 1980s undeniably churned out more musical flops than any previous or subsequent decade. After extensively researching and analyzing these less-than-impressive number-one tunes, I can confidently assert that the 1980s was the low point of bad music.

In the following paragraphs, I’ll provide plenty of proof to support my statement. Before delving into that, though, I’d like to share a potential explanation, which I’ll introduce with a well-known quote from film history. Orson Welles, portraying Harry Lime in Carol Reed’s 1949 masterpiece “The Third Man,” said this to Joseph Cotton’s Holly Martins:

10 wretched number-one songs from the 1980s

For three decades in Italy under the Borgias rule, there were constant wars, fear, killings, and bloodshed. Yet, this tumultuous period gave birth to artistic geniuses like Michelangelo and Leonardo da Vinci, as well as the Renaissance. Contrastingly, for five hundred years, Switzerland enjoyed peace and democracy. Their major contribution? The invention of the cuckoo clock.

From my gaming perspective, the ’80s seemed less turbulent on the surface compared to the past few decades filled with civil rights struggles, wars, oil embargoes, and hostage crises. However, looking back, I now realize that beneath the calm facade, there were still simmering tensions. As for popular culture during that era, it felt more stagnant than innovative – like being stuck in an old video game level where progress seemed elusive.

In the decades following the 1980s, hip hop emerged as a dominant force in American music for numerous reasons. One frequently underestimated factor is that the scene was ripe for disruption. The musical landscape had become rather monotonous.

In a newer era, rock and roll lost its edgy image. It had transformed into a corporate entity, churning out programmed and synthetic tunes that filled the airwaves. The musical landscape was broadened, yet the risk of monotony grew as radio stations became homogenized, broadcasting identical tracks across the country. This paved the way for hip-hop, punk, metal, grunge, and world music to make significant strides in the cultural scene.

The last era that bore resemblance to the current situation was the 1950s, which gave birth to rock and roll and produced an impressive number of top-notch hits. In contrast, I believe the 1980s underperformed significantly in comparison to the 1950s when it comes to producing high-quality number-one songs. To be clear, I’m not a fan of the 1980s.

Instead of providing a (Dis)Honorable Mention list of songs from the 1980s that almost made it but ultimately didn’t, I have an abundance of choices this time. Therefore, I will skip the Honorable Mentions and instead share some infamously disliked songs from the decade that didn’t even make it to my longlist.

There are individuals I’m acquainted with who would rather inflict pain on themselves by piercing their eardrums than endure listening to “Don’t Worry, Be Happy” by Bobby McFerrin again. However, this song didn’t even come close to making my personal list.

I don’t enjoy Christopher Cross’s voice, or perhaps it’s his arrangements, melodies, and lyrics that grate on me. “Sailing” is often associated with Yacht Rock’s genre. However, I must admit that “Sailing” is preferable to at least twenty other number-one hits from the ’80s, even if that assessment might be a bit generous.

If Weird Al’s satirical version surpasses the authentic one by a factor of ten, it’s a red flag. However, “Mickey” by Toni Basil doesn’t make the cut for this list.

In some cases, even legendary rock and pop musicians have surprised us with less-than-impressive songs. For instance, if I were to evaluate Steven Winwood’s “Roll With It,” George Harrison’s “Got My Mind Set On You,” and the Beach Boys’ “Kokomo” objectively, they would not meet the high standards we’ve come to expect from these artists. These songs represent significant departures from their previous work and leave us questioning what could have gone wrong. However, I don’t believe in giving them a pass just because of their past achievements.

I’ve listened to a fair share of music in my days, and some artists have left a lasting impression on me. However, there are certain songs by Phil Collins that I just can’t seem to connect with, no matter how many times I listen to them. Despite achieving six number-one hits, each one feels overly sweet and sticky to my ears. I’ve never been a fan of overly saccharine tunes.

In the late ’90s, Milli Vanilli, known for their controversial music career built on lip-synced performances, achieved an impressive feat with three consecutive chart-toppers: “Baby Don’t Forget My Number,” “Blame It On the Rain,” and “Girl I’m Gonna Miss You.” These songs, in my opinion, outshine the ones that came after them. Notably, had “Girl You Know It’s True” made it to number one instead, its spoken intro alone would have solidified its place on this list.

As a dedicated music enthusiast, I’m excited to share my perspective on this topic. Let’s skip the lengthy introduction and get straight to it: In my opinion, these ten tunes reached the peak of the charts in the ’80s, leaving a less-than-favorable impression on me.

10. “HANGIN’ TOUGH” – New Kids on the Block (1989)

I’ve been reflecting on my past actions and I can’t help but feel a pang of regret when I think about how I may have disappointed some die-hard New Kids on the Block (NKOTB) fans out there. In my defense, I was born in an era where boy bands weren’t quite as ubiquitous as they are today. Jordan, Donnie, and the rest of the gang were just a part of the cultural landscape for us ’90s kids, but if I had grown up a decade later, I might have understood their appeal in the same way that my parents did with the Jackson Five or even the Osmond Brothers.

This is how I see it. I can tolerate “I’ll Be Loving You (Forever)”. It’s not my favorite, but I understand it. The whiny falsetto and vows of eternal love from Jordan fit with the trends during that time among young people. Their last number one hit, “Step by Step,” attempted a more rugged sound, but still carried the romantic high crooning. However, “Hangin’ Tough” is nothing but a jest.

When Donnie tells everyone to “drop to the floor and perform the latest dance craze,” I find it hard to suppress a chuckle. Despite their assurances of a “groovy tune,” all I can hear is the jarring sound of a police whistle, unexpectedly blaring for no discernible reason – accompanied by children attempting to display their supposed toughness.

9. “TRULY” – Lionel Richie (1982)

Lionel Richie came close to equaling Phil Collins in terms of chart-toppers (five for Richie versus six for Collins), as well as sentimentality. In general, I find Richie’s body of work more palatable than Collins’. However, this particular song is intolerable to me. It’s heavily produced to mask its lackluster foundation. While Richie has a great voice, in this case, he seems disconnected from the music. His passionate delivery on the chorus feels forced and unauthentic, as if he’s merely following the lyrics on the page rather than genuinely expressing emotion.

Perhaps Richie’s emotions ran high with the anticipation of his growing wealth. As a significant member of The Commodores, he brought his unique vocals to their funky tunes, complementing Walter Clyde Orange’s lead. When it came to more mellow tracks like “Easy,” Richie demonstrated impressive control, keeping the song from veering into cheesiness. However, when performing solo, he sometimes lost that edge, making it challenging for me to connect with songs like “Truly.” I can groove to “All Night Long,” but “Truly” is a bridge too far for my personal taste.

8. “WHEN I’M WITH YOU” – Sheriff (1989)

As someone who prides herself on having an excellent memory, I must confess that there have been moments when I’ve found myself at a loss for remembering every detail of certain number-one songs from the past decade. Don’t get me wrong, I love music and can usually recall most tunes with ease. However, there are instances when I need a gentle reminder, like playing the track on my phone to jog my memory.

Canada once had a band named Sheriff. However, by the time their hit single reached the peak of the charts, they had already disbanded over three years prior. It’s baffling why this song resurfaced and became a number one hit. The reason behind its unexpected success is as puzzling as a Scooby-Doo mystery. Furthermore, this song follows a predictable formula, much like stories involving five children, a dog, and the Mystery Machine.

If you request AI to compose an extravagant power ballad for you, it might generate something slightly improved from the hit song “When I’m With You” which topped the charts at the start of 1989. This goes to show how lacking in creativity the pop music scene was towards the end of the 1980s.

7. “MAGIC” – Olivia Newton-John (1980)

When I started making a list for this ranking, “Physical” by Newton-John originally held the spot due to its initial appeal. However, upon revisiting ONJ’s top hits from the 1980s, I came to realize that “Physical” at least possesses some rhythm. In contrast, “Magic” barely qualifies as a song for me. The first line of its chorus is its only saving grace. Elsewhere in the verse, the singer seems lost and fails to establish a consistent melody line. This results in a lackluster performance where she appears to be straining to find something worthwhile to present.

As someone who grew up in the 70s and 80s, I can’t help but reminisce about the iconic pop songs that defined that era. Among them are “You’re the One That I Want” and “Hopelessly Devoted to You,” written by the talented John Farrar for the movie “Grease.” But little did I know that this same musician penned a song for another film, “Xanadu,” which was a far cry from the success of “Grease.”

6. “DO THAT TO ME ONE MORE TIME” – Captain & Tennille (1980)

Perhaps it was “Muskrat Love” that altered my perspective. Toni Tennille had previously released the rather adult “The Way I Want to Touch You,” a song that neither appealed nor repelled me. But then came “Muskrat Love.” Following this, it became challenging not to associate the sultry tones of “Do That to Me One More Time” with Muskrat Susie and Muskrat Sam.

As a seasoned music critic with years of experience under my belt, I’ve listened to my fair share of love songs that try to evoke feelings of longing and desire. However, there are some tracks that leave me raising an eyebrow in skepticism. “Do That to Me One More Time” by the Carpenters is one such song.

In “The Way That I Want to Touch You,” the singer’s vocal performance was full of life and enthusiasm, effectively conveying the song’s message. However, in this rendition, the delivery feels rather sluggish and lackluster.

At the halfway mark, we introduce the Lyricon. This innovative instrument, which had existed for just five years, was creating quite a buzz. Instead of blowing into a pan flute, musicians could now produce intricate electronic sounds that resembled – if you closed your eyes – a pan flute’s melodic tones or an exceptionally skilled whistler’s notes. However, no matter how accomplished Tom Scott (renowned for his work in the Blues Brothers) was as a player, his solo on the Lyricon failed to inject new life into the track.

5. “LEAN ON ME” – Club Nouveau (1987)

In this part of our list, you’ll find four songs that share a common origin. With the 1980s well underway, rock and roll had ruled the music scene for nearly three decades. Consequently, artists began to reflect on the past and give it a contemporary twist. This trend resulted in some unusual expressions, as we will discover. However, the most common way to pay homage to the past was through cover songs.

Bill Withers achieved great success in 1972 when his self-composed song “Lean on Me” reached the top position in the charts. Despite placing three other songs among the top three hits, this was his sole number-one hit. The original version of “Lean on Me” is imbued with soul and a hint of funk, making its arrangement all the more captivating. The song begins modestly with a simple piano introduction before transitioning into Withers’ humming, leading us into its enchanting melody.

Fifteen years after its initial release, a dance band based in Sacramento chose to cover Withers’ R&B classic. At the start, you may think they’re going for a gospel interpretation due to the prominent piano introduction – an intriguing twist. However, only thirty seconds in, the authentic soulful vibe is replaced by a pre-programmed synth and drumbeat, stripping the cover of its original character.

Withers’ vocals were uncomplicated and clear, while these new recordings are full of intricate sounds. Where Withers used just a piano and a touch of strings, Nouveau’s approach is to fill every part of the mix with synthetic sounds. This innovative style captured the attention of both the audience and the Grammy Awards, leading them to name the song as the best R&B track of 1987. As for the Grammys, there’s no need to elaborate further.

4. “TOGETHER FOREVER” – Rick Astley (1988)

If you believe that Rick Astley’s infamously mocked “Never Gonna Give You Up” is the pinnacle of musical disappointment, let me introduce you to a song that tries to replicate it and may change your mind. In March ’88, “Never Gonna Give You Up” defied all odds to claim the number one spot for two glorious weeks. Fast forward three months, and the same writer/producer team, Stock Aitken Waterman, struck lightning twice with “Together Forever.” It managed a brief stint at the top for just one week. So, if you ask me, “Never Gonna Give You Up” is not only the original but also the superior version.

The first track is rough around the edges with Astley’s rigid vocal delivery. “Together Forever,” which shares similar musical elements to his initial success, demands more finesse in its melody adjustments. Astley struggles greatly. The SAW production does him no justice, offering a thin sound. I strongly suspect that not a single authentic instrument graced the recording session for this track. “Never Gonna Give You Up” had an edge with its novelty factor. Unfortunately, “Together Forever” lacked even that crutch to lean on.

3. “ROCK ON” – Michael Damien (1989)

I’ve always had a soft spot for the 1970s, and among the coolest songs of that era, David Essex’s hit stands out for me. The heartbeat bass and drum opening sets the tone, followed by Essex’s subtle, echoing vocals. It’s a somewhat silly song, but it just works. Fast forward seventeen years, and a blandly handsome soap opera actor decided to give it a go in the late ’80s music scene, which was sadly lacking in creativity. While I respect his attempt, for me, nothing compares to the original magic of David Essex’s rendition.

I came across hidden recordings of Ted Cohen and Craig Sussman from Cypress Records, where they spoke about Damien covering “Rock On” by David Essex. In essence, their conversation went as follows:

Club Nouveau significantly altered Bill Withers’ original work by adding unwanted elements and quickening the tempo, stripping it of its soulful depth. Surprisingly, their remake became a chart-topping success. However, Cypress Records faced financial struggles and went bankrupt within two years of this achievement. (Again, any mention of discovering hidden recordings is an artistic liberty.)

2. “BABY I LOVE YOUR WAY/FREEBIRD” – Will to Power (1988)

For the equivalent of two disappointing album covers, you get one with Peter Frampton’s “Baby, I Love Your Way.” I personally wasn’t a fan, but it’s still preferable to Will to Power’s lackluster rendition. As for “Freebird,” I enjoy that part, and the addition of strings makes the Skynyrd interlude all the more aggravating. Unfortunately, they then prolong the last minute by repeatedly playing the “Baby, I love your way” chorus.

Back in the late ’80s, I was quite fond of this Miami dance band named Will to Power, fronted by Bob Rosenberg. They weren’t exactly household names, but they did leave an indelible mark on the club music scene. The impact they had was significant, though opinions on its merit vary. In a pulsating nightclub, their tunes packed a powerful rhythm that compelled even the most reluctant dancers to move.

Rosenberg asserts that he conceived the Frampton/Skynyrd blend while relaxing in a tanning bed. I’m skeptical about this, but given it was Miami, anything’s possible. What I do believe is that from the moment of inspiration until completion of his recording, Rosenberg didn’t listen to either original song at all.

1. “STARS ON 45” – Stars on 45 (1981)

Have you ever listened to the radio and heard those quick snippets of popular songs, with each one cutting off before it fully plays? You know, where they give you a taste of one song, then abruptly switch to another? They usually do this three times, leaving you feeling annoyed as you realize they’re not actually going to play any of those songs. Instead, it’s just a promotional stunt for the radio station. Now imagine if that went on for almost ten minutes straight. And that’s what listening to “Stars on 45” is like.

As someone who grew up in the ’80s and was a huge fan of alternative music, I can tell you that this description perfectly captures the feeling of listening to a classic industrial track. The cheesy opening synth transports me back to my childhood bedroom, where I’d crank up the volume on my cassette player and lose myself in the raw energy of the music.

For a short while, the music plays like a typical disco track. It’s not an exceptional one, but the presence of a tune and a steady beat is a relief from the previous chaos. However, this isn’t the actual song. Eventually, it transforms into a rendition of “Funky Town.”

Despite its unimpressive introduction, the song underneath is still worth listening to, isn’t it? However, this statement brings to mind “Video Killed the Radio Star.” Yet, it’s just a fleeting comparison since “Sugar Sugar” follows unexpectedly with no clear connection.

Approximately three and a half minutes into the performance, we might assume that we’re listening to an assortment of unrelated songs. However, this isn’t the case. For the following three minutes, only Beatles tunes play continuously. The reason behind starting with three random songs followed by six Beatles songs remains unexplained by science.

Don’t be alarmed, there are still three minutes left with more randomly selected songs. Unfortunately, they’re not the authentic versions you might be expecting. Instead, think of them as inferior covers, crammed together in a monotonous dance rhythm.

In my previous playlists, I’ve generally skipped over novelty or gimmick songs like “Please Mr. Custer” and “Disco Duck,” as I assumed they weren’t aiming for anything more than a humorous take on music. However, with Stars on 45, I make an exception – be it the band or the song, it’s just not worth listening to. It brings back memories of Billy Joel’s “We Didn’t Start the Fire,” another historical medley from the ’80s that reached the top spot but didn’t make this list due to Stars on 45’s presence.

In the ’80s, I used to play games and there was this one, I’ve finally put to rest my grudge against it. At least now, I can recall another character named Joey from that era.

2024-07-19 13:02