Alphabet: Still Funny After All These Years

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Listen up, people! You’re looking at Alphabet – yes, that Alphabet, the one with all the letters – and you’re wondering if a little dip is a buying opportunity? Let me tell you, I’ve seen dips. I’ve been in dips. And this one… this one smells like opportunity. Don’t worry, it’s a good smell. Like freshly baked stock options.

They’re down 6%, which, in the grand scheme of things, is like losing a nickel in a Cadillac. A minor inconvenience. And let’s be honest, in this market, a company that doesn’t have a little wobble now and then is probably being held up by carrier pigeons and wishful thinking.

Alphabet’s Momentum Isn’t Letting Up (Unless It Trips Over a Cable)

So, 2025 was a banner year. Eighteen percent revenue growth? Oy vey! That’s practically a biblical miracle. And it happened after an election year! You know what happens during election years, right? Everybody’s throwing money around like confetti. It’s a beautiful thing. Almost makes you want to run for office… almost.

Google Search is still king. Seventeen percent growth there. That’s a lot of people asking “Is this rash normal?” and “What is a blockchain?”. And YouTube? Sixty billion dollars in revenue? That’s enough money to buy a small country… or a really, really big collection of cat videos. Which, let’s be real, is basically the same thing.

Net income soared 30%. Thirty! They’re practically printing money. I’m starting to think they have a secret room filled with tiny, adorable money-printing elves. Don’t tell anyone I said that.

Betting It All On AI (And Hoping the Robots Don’t Take Over)

Ninety-one billion dollars in capital expenditures last year? That’s more than some countries spend on defense! And they’re planning to up that to $175-$185 billion? They’re building an AI infrastructure so massive, it’ll make Skynet look like a toaster oven. But hey, what could possibly go wrong? (Don’t answer that.)

Seriously though, Alphabet is in a prime position. Everyone and their mother is using their stuff. Investing in AI is smart. It makes the user experience better, which means more usage, which means more revenue. It’s a beautiful, vicious cycle. Like a perfectly timed slapstick routine.

The Gemini app has 750 million monthly active users. That’s a lot of people asking Gemini to write their emails and order pizza. Advertisers are jumping on the AI bandwagon, too. “AI gives businesses the ability to reach more customers…” blah, blah, blah. Look, it’s a fancy way of saying they can target you with ads more effectively. And we all know that’s the real goal, right?

Google Cloud is booming. Forty-eight percent revenue growth and a $240 billion backlog. That’s enough to keep a lot of accountants very, very busy. And apparently, everyone wants enterprise AI offerings. Who knew? I guess nobody wants to be the last one at the digital dance.

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Take Advantage of the Opportunity (Before Someone Else Does)

Over the past five years, Alphabet’s share price has climbed 211%. That’s a performance that would make even the most jaded stockbroker crack a smile. And it’s crushed the overall stock market. Not even close, folks. It’s like comparing a thoroughbred to a… well, you get the idea.

But here’s the kicker: even with that impressive rise, the valuation isn’t stretched. A forward price-to-earnings ratio of 28.7? That’s practically a steal! So, what are you waiting for? Buy the dip! Don’t be a schlemiel. Alphabet can continue to be a wonderful long-term investment. And who knows, maybe they’ll even name a search algorithm after me. A guy can dream, right?

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2026-02-13 19:14