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Upbit, a South Korean crypto exchange, got robbed AND fame – on the same day they were trying to charm Naver. Coincidence? Pfft. Hackers came for a coffee AND a heist ☕✨.

Double-check the character count for the title. “Upbit’s $36M Solana Hack: Full Reimbursement? 🤷‍♂️” is 63 characters. Good.

Bitcoin, that mercurial charmer, has exhibited a “persistent trend shift,” which is crypto-speak for “I’ve lost all my friends and my wallet is empty.” The analyst waxed poetic about price percentage traveled, volume spikes, and “above-average volatility,” as if he were describing a Shakespearean tragedy. 🎭

Once upon a time, Dogecoin outpaced its doubts by settling above $0.1420. Alongside its big brothers Bitcoin and Ethereum, DOGE triumphantly leapt above $0.150, like a dog that finally caught the car it was chasing. It even flirted with $0.1550, hitting a high at $0.1565, before wondering if it really wanted to stay there. As it consolidates, it’s hugging the Fibonacci retracement like a cat hugging a random kitchen towel, showing resilience-or stubbornness.

Permit me to elucidate, gentle reader, of a most extraordinary situation afoot at the Binance establishment-a cryptocurrency exchange of such vastness it could swallow a nautilus whole. They propose to add 31 trading pairs, like the addition of new characters to a Blandings Castle fête, albeit with coins instead of cows.

Don’t panic just yet. The sell-off might be slowing down. But, you know, ZEC still had a rough week. It’s like a bad hair day, but with money involved.

Yet, this descent has not instilled the expected dread among investors, who, in a display of misplaced optimism, have begun to hoard ETH with the fervor of a religious sect, convinced that the short-term price will stabilize like a well-timed joke. 🤯

One Herr Jake Ostrovskis, a man of some consequence in the world of Over-the-Counter trading (a rather shady business, if you ask me), has declared, with the solemnity of a judge sentencing a babushka for selling turnips on a Sunday, that the markets have abandoned all hope of a year-end flourish. Calls, it seems, are being… rolled down. As if one rolls a particularly unfortunate gambler’s debts! Bets are being capped, aspirations cooled. They are not anticipating some grand, explosive ascension to new, dizzying heights. Such audacity!

With this acquisition, Robinhood is not just dipping its toes into prediction markets. Oh no, my friends. They’re launching a full-on futures and derivatives exchange and clearinghouse, which, as Reuters so eloquently put it, is going to make them a major player in this oh-so-trendy space. Because who doesn’t love betting on the future, right? 🎰📉

Well, brace yourselves. While lower issuance might spice things up by creating scarcity (fewer tokens = more value, maybe?), there’s a catch. Lower inflation means reduced staking yields. And that, my friends, is like getting a beautiful cake with no frosting. Sure, it’s still a cake, but is it really worth the calories?