Meta: Still Mostly Functional

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So, Meta Platforms (META +2.47%). It’s still here. Against all reasonable expectations, and frankly, a growing sense of existential dread regarding the entire concept of ‘social media’, it persists. There’s been a minor wobble in the stock price recently – a sort of polite cough in the face of the infinite – which, naturally, has prompted the usual flurry of activity. People are, as they are wont to do, attempting to assign a monetary value to something fundamentally based on other people’s fleeting attention spans. A truly baffling endeavor, when you think about it. (One might compare it to pricing the average lifespan of a mayfly. Imprecise, largely arbitrary, and ultimately, a bit sad.)

They’ve been posting ‘exceptionally strong revenue growth,’ which, in corporate speak, roughly translates to ‘we’ve managed to convince people to look at more advertisements.’ Management seems ‘bullish,’ a word that should be retired to a farm upstate. They’re suggesting ‘long-term prospects’ as if the long-term is something anyone can reliably predict. (It’s like trying to forecast the weather on Neptune. You can make educated guesses, but you’re probably going to be wrong.) And, shockingly, the stock trades at a ‘valuation’ that isn’t immediately catastrophic. A minor miracle, really.

Big Growth Opportunities (Or, The Search for Meaning)

After listening to their earnings call – a ritualistic chanting of optimistic projections and carefully worded disclaimers – it’s difficult not to feel a sense of profound… well, not optimism, exactly. More like a weary acceptance of the inevitable. They’re growing fast, apparently. Fourth-quarter revenue up 24% year over year. Ad impressions jumped 18%. Average price per ad rose 6%. (This is where it gets interesting. They’re charging more for the privilege of interrupting people’s lives. The sheer audacity is almost… admirable.)

Susan Li, their chief financial officer, declared that they have ‘significant opportunities to improve.’ A statement so universally true that it’s essentially meaningless. (It’s like saying the Earth has ‘significant opportunities to improve’ its orbit. Technically correct, but not particularly insightful.) She continued, with a straight face, that they’re planning to ‘prioritize investing’ while simultaneously ‘positioning’ themselves for a ‘new and exciting product cycle’ powered by ‘AI models.’ (AI models. Of course. What else would it be? Miniature trained hamsters?)

Mark Zuckerberg, the founder and CEO, chimed in with the revelation that they’re focused on ‘several major business opportunities.’ (One imagines him surrounded by charts and graphs, looking intensely at… something. Possibly a picture of a cat.) One of these opportunities is simply ‘improving the core products.’ (A radical concept, truly.) He believes there’s ‘significant incremental value’ to unlock. (The pursuit of incremental value. The driving force of modern civilization.) They’re working on improving how AI recommends ads. (So, even more targeted interruptions. Delightful.)

But Zuckerberg is ‘even more excited’ about entirely new business opportunities AI may create. (One shudders to think what those might be. Perhaps personalized ads that follow you into your dreams?)

And they’re putting their money where their mouth is. Capital expenditures are projected to be between $115 billion and $135 billion in 2026. (A sum of money so large it’s difficult to comprehend. It’s roughly equivalent to the GDP of a small country. Or a very large collection of mayflies.) This is driven by increased investment in ‘Meta Superintelligence Labs’ and the ‘core business.’ (The juxtaposition of ‘superintelligence’ and ‘core business’ is particularly amusing. It suggests a grand ambition tempered by the mundane realities of quarterly reports.) Capital expenditures in 2025 were a mere $72.2 billion. The projected growth is 73% year over year. (They’re spending more money. Shocking.)

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Business Momentum (Or, The Illusion of Progress)

Even without considering their ‘big bets,’ Meta’s business looks… adequate. Earnings per share grew only 11% year over year in Q4. But they managed any growth, given the ‘significant investment cycle’ they’re in. Costs and expenses soared 40% year over year, yet earnings per share still grew at a double-digit rate. (It’s like trying to climb a greased ladder while juggling chainsaws. Impressive, if slightly terrifying.)

Their guidance calls for 26% to 34% revenue growth in the first quarter. A four percentage point tailwind from foreign exchange is expected. (Foreign exchange. The mysterious force that can make or break a quarterly report.) Even after adjusting for this tailwind, they’re guiding for up to 30% year-over-year revenue growth. (They’re still growing. Against all odds.)

Shares aren’t cheap at 29 times earnings. But, all things considered, the stock looks… not entirely dreadful. It’s a risky position, given the ‘significant ramp in capital expenditures.’ But, overall, it’s… acceptable. (Acceptable. The highest praise one can offer in the modern age.)

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2026-02-10 08:12