Enterprise Products: It’s Just…Efficient.

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Okay, so Enterprise Products Partners. (EPD +4.62%). They had a year. A record year, apparently. Which is…fine. It’s not like they’re curing anything, but they moved some stuff around. A lot of stuff, actually. Pipelines, mostly. And they made money doing it. A record amount. You know what bothers me? The insistence on using the word “record.” Like we’re all supposed to be impressed they managed to keep track of things. It’s a pipeline. It either works or it doesn’t.

They’re sending out these press releases, bragging about volume records. Volume records! As if quantity equals quality. I’m pretty sure my garbage can has a volume record. Doesn’t mean it’s a good thing. And then they raised the distribution for the 27th year in a row. Twenty-seven! It’s almost…suspicious. Like they’re trying to get you hooked. And then you’re stuck with the K-1 form. A K-1! Who even needs a K-1? It’s like they’re deliberately making it difficult.

It’s All About the Flow

So, they built some pipelines. The Neches River Terminal, the Bahia Pipeline… Honestly, the names alone are exhausting. And it worked. They had record gross operating margin. Record net income. Record cash flow. It’s just…efficient. It’s unnerving. Like a machine that just keeps going. And they retained a billion dollars. A billion. What are they saving it for? Another pipeline? It’s a vicious cycle, I tell you.

They generated $8.7 billion in adjusted cash flow. Eight point seven billion. And they covered the payout 1.7 times. What does that even mean? Is that good? Is that bad? Nobody explains these things. It’s just numbers thrown at you. And they retained $3.2 billion. Seriously? What are they building, a fortress?

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They invested $4.4 billion and made $632 million in acquisitions. Acquisitions of what? Nobody tells you. And a leverage ratio of 3.3 times? Is that low? High? I need a spreadsheet. I need an accountant. I need a vacation.

More Pipelines. Of Course.

Apparently, last year was the peak of their spending. So naturally, they’re still planning to spend billions more. $2.5 to $2.9 billion this year. And another $2 to $2.5 billion next year. It’s like they’re addicted to building things. They’re expanding the Bahia pipeline with ExxonMobil. ExxonMobil! The nerve. And the Dark Horse facility. What even is the Dark Horse facility? They’re also looking at gas pipelines for AI data centers. AI! Now they’re just showing off.

They expect significant free cash flow. Of course they do. They always expect free cash flow. And they’ll strengthen their balance sheet, repurchase units, and increase the distribution. It’s predictable. It’s infuriatingly predictable.

A Rock-Solid…Whatever.

So, they had a good year. They’re going to have more growth. They’re going to increase the payout. It’s…fine. It’s just…efficient. It’s a pipeline company. What did you expect, a revolution? I’m not saying it’s a bad investment. I’m just saying it’s… unsettlingly competent. And that, frankly, is more frightening than any actual risk.

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2026-02-04 10:33