Meta’s Numbers and My Aunt Carol

My Aunt Carol, bless her heart, thinks Meta – that’s Facebook and Instagram, for those of us who still occasionally use physical mail – is run by a cabal of lizard people. She gets this information from a man named Dale, who sells organic beets at the farmer’s market and, apparently, has access to deep state intelligence. Anyway, she called me this week, genuinely thrilled, because “the numbers are up!” And, well, she’s not entirely wrong. Meta’s stock did, in fact, surge. Apparently, their artificial intelligence investments are finally bearing fruit, which, frankly, feels a little ominous. Like we’re all being gently nudged toward a future curated by algorithms and sponsored content.

The numbers themselves are… staggering. 7% climb this past week, according to those people who track these things (S&P Global Market Intelligence, if you’re keeping score). 3.58 billion daily active users. That’s… a lot of people scrolling. It makes me anxious just thinking about it. I tried to explain to Aunt Carol that a stock surge doesn’t necessarily mean the lizard people are thwarted, but she just kept talking about Dale’s beets.

They’ve managed to squeeze more money out of each ad impression – a 6% increase, which is impressive, even to me. It’s like they’ve perfected the art of subtle manipulation. I’m not saying they’re evil, but I’m starting to understand why my cousin Brenda suddenly started buying artisanal dog sweaters. It’s a slippery slope, I tell you.

All told, revenue jumped 24% to $60 billion. Which, let’s be honest, is a sum of money that defies comprehension. Earnings per share were up nearly 11%, beating Wall Street’s expectations. They predicted $8.22, Meta delivered $8.88. It’s like they’re playing a different game than the rest of us, with rules we don’t understand. I suspect Dale knows something we don’t.

But here’s where it gets really interesting, or terrifying, depending on your perspective. They plan to pump even more money into AI development. Susan Li, their CFO, is forecasting capital expenditures of $115 to $135 billion in 2026. That’s a lot of servers, a lot of electricity, and a lot of algorithms learning our deepest fears and desires.

Mark Zuckerberg, bless his soul, said he’s “looking forward to advancing personal superintelligence for people around the world.” Which sounds…ambitious. I’m mostly looking forward to finishing my taxes and maybe taking a nap. But I suspect those two things are becoming increasingly incompatible. Aunt Carol, of course, believes this is all part of the lizard people’s plan. And, honestly, after looking at these numbers, I’m starting to think she might be onto something. I’ll have to ask her about Dale’s beets again. Just in case.

2026-02-01 02:12

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