Apple’s “Record” Quarter: Or, How They Sold Us the Same Thing Again

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Right. Apple. They’ve had a quarter. A record quarter, apparently. Honestly, it’s all a bit exhausting, isn’t it? For years, we’ve been hearing about Apple’s impending doom. Slowing iPhone sales, a distinct lack of anyone actually knowing what “AI” is, and a general sense that maybe, just maybe, the magic was gone. I was starting to feel almost…sympathetic. Almost.

Then came the iPhone 17. Or whatever number we’re on now. It’s a phone. It makes calls. It takes pictures of your lunch. But, oh, the demand. The breathless reports. You’d think they’d invented sliced bread, or, you know, something genuinely useful. Frankly, I was bracing for disappointment. I mean, it’s Apple. They’re very good at making us want things we don’t need.

By the Numbers (Because We Have To)

So, they raked in $143.8 billion. A 16% jump. The highest growth since 2021. Which, let’s be real, wasn’t exactly a high bar. Earnings per share jumped 19%. All-time record. Naturally. It’s like they’ve got a spreadsheet dedicated solely to breaking their own records. Analysts expected $138.5 billion. They exceeded that. By a lot. They always do. It’s a carefully choreographed dance, isn’t it? Set expectations low, then pretend to be surprised by the inevitable surge.

Tim Cook, bless his heart, declared it “remarkable.” “Unprecedented demand.” I’m starting to think “unprecedented” is just a standard phrase in his vocabulary, like “synergy” or “disruptive innovation.” He said they had all-time records across every geographic segment. Every. Single. One. It’s almost…suspiciously perfect.

China was a particular highlight. A “stark about-face” from last year’s slump. Apparently, the iPhone is the top-selling smartphone there. Up 28%. Which, if you think about it, just means they’re really good at marketing to a very large population. Counterpoint Research says so. And who are we to argue with research?

Kevan Parekh, the CFO, went full-on hype man. “Staggering demand.” It’s a strong word. I’m starting to suspect they’re just throwing adjectives at the wall to see what sticks. They’ve surpassed 2.5 billion active devices. That’s…a lot of people staring at screens. It’s slightly terrifying, actually.

The iPhone revenue rose 23%. People lined up to upgrade. Because, of course they did. And the services segment did well too, bringing in $30 billion. Up 14%. They’re not just selling you a phone anymore, they’re selling you an ecosystem. It’s a brilliant, slightly predatory, business model.

And the margins? Oh, the margins. People are upgrading to the Pro and Pro Max models. Because, naturally, they want the best. Which means Apple can charge more. And the gross profit margin rose to 48.1%. It’s like printing money, isn’t it? A beautifully designed, ethically questionable money-printing machine.

Oh, and they acquired a start-up called Q.ai for $2 billion. Because everyone needs an AI superpower. I’m sure that will solve all of our problems. Or at least give them something else to brag about next quarter.

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Time to Buy? (Or Just Watch the Circus Continue?)

Apple has lagged behind its big tech peers. The stock is up 8%, compared to the S&P 500’s 15%. Concerns about declining sales and a vague AI strategy have been swirling. Honestly, I was hoping they’d stumble. Just a little bit.

At 34 times earnings, Apple still trades at a premium. Which means people are still willing to pay a lot for the privilege of owning a piece of the Apple empire. It’s a bit irrational, isn’t it? But then again, so is most of the stock market. Still, the sales gains are dramatic. So, maybe, just maybe, it’s time to take a look. Or, you know, just keep watching the circus continue. I’m leaning towards the latter, personally. It’s much more entertaining.

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2026-01-30 02:52