UnitedHealth: The Bounce & The Abyss

Yesterday, UnitedHealth Group (UNH +3.98%) took a hit. A serious hit. Nearly 20% vaporized. Gone. Like a bad trip at a shareholder meeting. The earnings report? A minor sales miss. The profits, though… that was the real gut punch. A near-total collapse, down almost 100% year-over-year to a pathetic $0.01 a share. A PENNY. I’ve seen more substantial returns from a gumball machine. But hold onto your hats, folks, because the market… well, the market is a goddamn animal.

Because today? Today, it’s bouncing back. A pathetic, desperate little bounce, but a bounce nonetheless. 4% as of late morning. A band-aid on a gaping wound, sure, but in this business, you take what you can get. It’s like watching a wounded beast try to stand. You almost want it to make it. Almost.

Dead Cat, Indeed

Seven analysts have already lowered their price targets. SEVEN. The government is freezing Medicare Advantage rates in 2027. It’s a clusterfuck, a bureaucratic black hole sucking in everything in its path. But here’s the kicker – every single one of these so-called experts still thinks UnitedHealth is worth more than $294 a share. They’re all whispering “buy” like a bunch of vultures circling a dying carcass. It’s enough to make a man question the very nature of reality… or at least the competence of Wall Street.

Is This a Buy, or a Slow Descent into Madness?

Bank of America is the most pessimistic, valuing UNH at a measly $315. Cantor Fitzgerald, bless their optimistic hearts, predicts a jump to $440 within a year. A 50% profit! They’re either geniuses or delusional. The rest are somewhere in the murky middle, offering lukewarm takes and carefully worded disclaimers. It’s a symphony of uncertainty, conducted by the invisible hand of the market.

But let’s cut through the bullshit for a moment. UnitedHealth is trading at 16.7 times forward earnings, paying a 3.1% dividend yield, and is expected to triple its profits in the next five years. Triple. That’s not growth, that’s a goddamn rocket launch. Maybe, just maybe, those analysts aren’t completely insane. Maybe, in this world of manufactured consent and rampant speculation, there’s still a glimmer of rational thought. Or maybe I just need another cup of coffee. And a stiff drink.

This isn’t about numbers, it’s about the primal urge to find order in chaos. To bet on something, anything, in a world that seems determined to spin out of control. And right now, UnitedHealth, for all its flaws, looks like a slightly less insane bet than most.

2026-01-28 20:12

Dead Cat, Indeed

Is This a Buy, or a Slow Descent into Madness?

Read More