CZ & Trump: It’s Complicated (Mostly)

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The universe, as everyone knows, is a profoundly indifferent place. It doesn’t particularly care if Changpeng Zhao, former CEO of Binance, received a presidential pardon. It certainly doesn’t care about the intricacies of decentralized finance. And frankly, it’s probably busy calculating the heat death of everything to bother with whether or not said pardon was, shall we say, entirely above board. But us? We’re stuck here obsessing over it.

So, About That Pardon…

It appears the former Mr. Zhao-known to his friends (if he has any left who aren’t lawyers) as “CZ”-has been attempting to untangle a knot of speculation regarding his relationship with a former leader who has a rather…distinctive…hair arrangement. The core of the issue? A pardon. Granted. By him. The one with the hair. Naturally, this sparked the sort of frenzy normally reserved for sightings of the Lesser Spotted Marmoset riding a unicycle.

CZ insists it’s all a dreadful misunderstanding. “No business relationship whatsoever,” he declared to CNBC, with the sort of solemnity one reserves for denying involvement in a rogue planet-destroying superweapon. Apparently, the narrative has been “misconstrued.” One wonders how. Perhaps by the very nature of, you know, everything.

The trouble, it seems, stems from a $2 billion investment involving MGX (a state-owned firm – naturally), USD1 (a stablecoin created by World Liberty Financial, which sounds suspiciously like a villain’s lair) and Binance. CZ claims Binance merely requested payment in crypto. “I don’t want to deal with banks, really,” he confessed. A sentiment with which most sentient beings can probably sympathize. Banks, after all, are primarily concerned with the efficient collection of fees and mild disapproval.

The Others Weigh In (Or Try To)

World Liberty Financial (see: villain’s lair) chimed in, insisting they had “zero role” in the pardon process. Which, in the grand scheme of things, is likely as truthful as a politician’s promise. Their spokesperson, David Wachsman, labelled the suggestion of involvement “dangerous and false.” One suspects somebody’s public relations department is having a rather frantic week.

The former president himself, in a moment of breathtaking candor, claimed to have “no idea who he is.” This is, of course, entirely plausible. One can easily forget the names of everyone one’s benefitted from. It’s a common human failing, overshadowed only by the tendency to misplace car keys.

And then there’s the lobbying. A cool $450,000 spent trying to influence the White House and Treasury. But CZ denies any connection to the pardon, stating, “As far as I know, that does not exist at all!” Which, translated from Bureaucratese, means, “I have absolutely no recollection of this, and my lawyers have advised me not to answer further.”

Apparently, the closest CZ got to the former president was from 30-40 feet away during a “Board of Peace” session (one can only imagine). Close enough to smell the hairspray, perhaps.

Meanwhile, Binance Coin (BNB) experienced a modest 4% dip. Which is, at least, something. In a universe of infinite possibilities, a 4% dip is relatively…contained. It’s still worth more than most people’s houses, anyway. Though the very concept of “worth” is, of course, a rather arbitrary construct when you really think about it.

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2026-01-24 12:15