The market, as it invariably does, continues its ascent. The S&P 500 and the Dow Jones Industrial Average have, with a sort of weary inevitability, reached new heights. One almost expects a collective sigh of relief from the gentlemen in pinstripes. Yet, beneath the veneer of prosperity, a tremor of anxiety persists. Eighty percent of Americans, according to a recent survey (compiled, no doubt, by individuals equally anxious about their own portfolios), express concern about a forthcoming recession. A recession! As if the relentless march of quarterly reports and shareholder meetings isn’t enough of a burden.
Investing, they say, is wise even in the face of impending doom. A curious notion. As if throwing more coins into the insatiable maw of the market will somehow appease the gods of finance. Still, one must play the game. And, if one must play, it is marginally less foolish to do so with instruments that promise, at least, a semblance of stability. Thus, we arrive at the Vanguard funds. Three offerings, presented not as salvation, but as a slightly less precarious perch from which to observe the inevitable chaos.
1. Vanguard S&P 500 ETF
The Vanguard S&P 500 ETF (VOO 0.08%). A vast, impersonal collection of the nation’s largest companies. Five hundred entities, each a miniature empire built on the backs of countless unseen laborers and fueled by the relentless pursuit of profit. It has, predictably, weathered many storms. Recessions, crashes, bear markets… mere inconveniences for a beast of this magnitude. It survives, not through brilliance, but through sheer, unyielding size. The S&P 500 is less a barometer of economic health and more a monument to the enduring power of inertia. Over the last eighty-two years, every ten-year period has yielded positive returns, according to some investment firm. A comforting statistic, if one disregards the countless individuals crushed beneath the wheels of progress during those same decades.
Long-term outlook, they say. A decade of holding. As if a decade is sufficient to erase the sins of capitalism. But, yes, with enough time, even the most egregious volatility can be smoothed over. It’s a simple matter of perspective. A lost fortune is merely a temporary inconvenience when viewed from the vantage point of several generations.
2. Vanguard Total Stock Market ETF
The S&P 500, for all its grandeur, is increasingly dominated by the tech sector. A disconcerting trend. As if the fate of the entire economy should rest in the hands of a handful of silicon valley visionaries. The Vanguard Total Stock Market ETF (VTI 0.06%) offers a slight diversification, encompassing a staggering 3,527 stocks. From the titans of industry to the struggling startups, it’s a veritable menagerie of economic activity. A wider net, perhaps, but one still woven from the same threadbare material.
Increased diversification, they claim, limits risk. A comforting illusion. As if spreading one’s bets across a larger number of failing enterprises somehow guarantees success. It merely dilutes the misery. But, yes, it is marginally less terrifying to be swept away by a thousand tiny waves than by a single, monstrous one.
3. Vanguard Dividend Appreciation ETF
Dividends. A portion of the profits returned to shareholders. A gesture of generosity, or a cynical attempt to placate the masses? The Vanguard Dividend Appreciation ETF (VIG +0.22%) focuses on companies with a history of increasing their dividend payouts. A peculiar obsession with growth. As if the relentless pursuit of more is somehow a virtuous endeavor. Quarterly payouts, they say. A mere pittance, perhaps, but enough to sustain a modest lifestyle of quiet desperation.
Reinvesting those dividends, they urge. A snowball effect. The more you reinvest, the more you earn. A self-perpetuating cycle of greed. But, yes, it is a remarkably efficient way to accumulate wealth. A monument to the enduring power of compound interest. And, of course, the inevitable exploitation of the working class.
No matter what the future holds, they say, consistent investing builds long-term wealth. A comforting mantra. A delusion. But, yes, it is marginally less foolish to prepare for the worst. By investing in quality ETFs, one can rest easier. Knowing that one’s portfolio is as protected as possible. Or, at least, that one has delayed the inevitable reckoning for a few more years.
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2026-01-18 00:52