Dogecoin and the Alchemists’ Decree

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A Dogecoin, looking vaguely perplexed.

It appears the little digital dog, Dogecoin (DOGE 0.92%), has experienced a minor… frolic. A surge of approximately 8% on the 13th of January, which, surprisingly, wasn’t triggered by a particularly adorable canine image circulating on the ether. No, this uptick is rooted, rather improbably, in the latest draft of a Senate bill concerning… well, concerning everything digital and therefore utterly baffling.1

This document, a tome of 278 pages, builds upon the Clarity Act, a piece of legislation passed by the House which, as far as anyone can tell, aimed to divide digital assets into neat little boxes and assign them to various regulatory guardians. The main division, it seems, is between “ancillary assets” and “digital commodities.” A distinction as clear as mud, naturally.

Ancillary assets, it’s said, don’t count as securities, but fall under the watchful gaze of the Securities and Exchange Commission (SEC). They are subject to a degree of scrutiny that would make an inquisitor blush. Digital commodities, on the other hand, are… well, they’re commodities. Which is about as helpful a definition as you might expect from a committee.

How the Bill Might, Possibly, Perhaps, Help Dogecoin

If this bill, in its current form (and let’s be realistic, it won’t be), actually becomes law, it would grant Dogecoin the enviable status of being instantly non-ancillary. The reasoning? A clause stating that if a crypto is already the primary asset in an exchange-traded product (ETP), it’s exempt. Apparently, three spot Dogecoin ETFs have been approved, the first surfacing in September 2025. One assumes the Guild of Alchemists and Venture Capitalists were heavily involved.2

News articles, those tireless heralds of temporary booms, have pointed out that this puts Dogecoin – along with XRP, Solana, and others – in the same category as Bitcoin. A comparison that is, let’s say, optimistic. It’s a bit like claiming a particularly enthusiastic garden gnome is the same as a fully grown dragon.

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A Speculative Frolic, Not a Long-Term Migration

Dogecoin enthusiasts, predictably, are delighted. Their happy-go-lucky dog is enjoying a brief moment in the sun. Unfortunately, the draft bill does little to address the project’s fundamental challenges. For starters, it may never see the light of day. And if it does, it will likely be so amended as to be almost unrecognizable. CoinDesk reports over 75 amendments are already on the table. A number that will, undoubtedly, increase exponentially.

There is, admittedly, a benefit to being included in a crypto ETF. It makes it easier for institutional and retail investors to add Dogecoin to their portfolios without having to worry about the complexities of custody. They can simply purchase shares in the ETF. But to suggest this automatic non-ancillary status will provide a significant competitive advantage is… generous. It merely cuts through some red tape in the short term.

Legislative wrangling aside, the core issue remains: Dogecoin lacks genuine utility and appears to be… stagnating. Its price has fallen by over 55% in the past year and is down nearly 80% from its 2021 peak. A glance at the Dogecoin website reveals a sluggishness that is… concerning. Only 10 blog posts in four years. One suspects the scribes are either on holiday or have discovered a particularly engaging game of dominoes.

The cryptocurrency industry may be on the cusp of significant change, driven by things like stablecoin adoption and tokenization. But these developments are unlikely to touch Dogecoin. In fact, increased stablecoin usage could actually dent Dogecoin’s main use case as a form of money. A rather ironic turn of events.

Dogecoin’s fame and large community remain its biggest assets. The trouble is, it hasn’t found a way to capitalize on them. Granting it status under any new crypto regulation won’t magically solve its fundamental challenges. It’s a bit like giving a particularly fluffy sheep a set of armor. It might look amusing, but it won’t make it any more effective in battle.

  1. The Senate, in its infinite wisdom, seems to believe that dividing everything into boxes is a foolproof method of understanding it. A belief that has been repeatedly disproven throughout history.
  2. The Guild of Alchemists and Venture Capitalists are known for their ability to turn base metals into… well, more complicated base metals. And occasionally, a fleeting illusion of wealth.

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2026-01-17 08:22