🤑 Crypto’s $3B Vanish Act: Fewer Heists, Bigger Hauls! 🎭

by

My dear darlings, as the curtain falls on this utterly preposterous year in the crypto circus, a report has emerged that’s as shocking as a cold gin fizz on a winter’s morning. Apparently, the crypto world has managed to lose nearly $3 billion-yes, billion, with a B-despite the fact that the number of heists has dwindled. How utterly absurd! 🍸💸

2025: The Year Crypto Lost Its Marbles (and Billions)

On a Tuesday, no less-the most mundane of days-blockchain security firm SlowMist unveiled its 2025 Blockchain Security & AML Annual Report. Oh, the drama! It seems the crypto industry has been more of a sitting duck than a soaring eagle this year, with security challenges that would make even the most seasoned detective blush. 🕵️♂️

According to these clever chaps at SlowMist, the total value pilfered from crypto hacks soared by 46% in 2025 compared to 2024. Darling, it’s enough to make one’s pearls clutch themselves! And get this-the first half of 2025 was more devastating than the entirety of 2024. Bravo, malicious actors, bravo! 👏🤦♂️

Chainalysis, those darling detectives of the digital realm, noted that by the end of June, 2025 was already on a trajectory more alarming than a socialite’s spending spree. The velocity and consistency of these heists? Simply staggering. 💨💰

As the year waltzes to its close, the total losses stand at a cool $2.935 billion. That’s right, darlings-nearly three billion dollars. And yet, the number of incidents dropped by 51%. Fewer heists, but oh, what hauls! It’s as if the thieves have traded in their lockpicks for bulldozers. 🚜💎

DeFi, that darling of the crypto world, remained the most targeted sector with 126 incidents, accounting for 63% of all hacks and $649 million in losses. A 37% and 62% decrease from 2024, you say? Well, small mercies, I suppose. 🛡️⚔️

Centralized exchanges, those bastions of security, reported 22 incidents totaling $1.809 billion in losses. Bybit’s February hack alone saw $1.46 billion vanish into thin air-the most serious and largest security event of the year. One can only imagine the boardroom drama! 🎭💼

Regulators to the Rescue? Don’t Hold Your Breath, Darling

Phishing, scams, and intrusive attacks have evolved, darlings. It’s like a game of digital cat and mouse, but with higher stakes and fewer manners. SlowMist notes that traditional phishing has morphed into permission hijacking, malicious code execution, and supply-chain poisoning. Oh, the horror! 🦹‍♂️🕸️

“Attacks are no longer reliant on a single method; instead, they increasingly combine social engineering, browser exploitation, new protocol mechanics, and hybrid lure strategies to form stealthy and destructive attack chains.”

But fear not, for regulatory and law enforcement agencies have stepped in with a “clear trend of escalation.” Yes, darlings, they’ve recovered or frozen nearly $387 million from $1.95 billion in stolen funds. A drop in the ocean, perhaps, but one must applaud the effort. 👮‍♀️⚖️

SlowMist concludes that the future of Web3 will depend on stronger internal security, transparent fund governance, and comprehensive KYT/AML reviews. Well, isn’t that just the most sensible thing I’ve heard all year? 🛡️✨

So, my darlings, as we raise our glasses to 2026, let’s hope the crypto world learns from its mistakes. After all, losing billions is so last year. 🥂🎉

Read More

2025-12-31 08:13