2026 Crypto Big Bang: Will Your Digital Dough Survive the Burn? 🚀💸🔥

What to know:

Haseeb Qureshi, crypto’s version of a tea-leaf reader, claims 2026 will be a rollercoaster of crypto chaos or cash. 🤹♂️💰
Older blockchains (AKA the blockchain Babushkas) will flex their relevance muscles while flashy new platforms flop like a goldfish on sand. 🐟🏖️
Two crypto “segments,” which we’ll call checks notes “hope springs eternal,” will pretend they’re rising stars. 🌟

Haseeb Qureshi, the crypto oracle at Dragonfly (because no one needs a financial crystal ball), predicts 2026 will be the year when crypto’s most boneheaded trends stubbornly survive instead of rebooting. Spoiler: The market will still crash, of course, but at least it’ll do it with style. 😎

In a December manifesto (written during someone’s holiday latte nap), Qureshi warned that after years of rollercoaster investing, everyone’s either on Xanax or crypto. The winners? Projects with “durability, distribution, and real-world usage” – i.e., not your Great-Uncle’s meme token. 🚨

Markets and blockchains

Bitcoin, dear readers, will finish 2026 above $150k – but don’t expect a parade, because it’ll be overshadowed by whatever shiny new scam du jour. Qureshi calls this a “win-win” for crypto purists: Whores hit the jackpot while moderates sip chamomile and cry. 🍵

Fintech-themed blockchains? Please. Qureshi’s hard pass on their “get rich quick” vibes. Wallet engagement? Barely a sparkle. Stablecoins? Still just digital Monopoly money. 🎲

Instead, Ethereum and Solana will flex their “neutral infrastructure” muscles – because nothing says trust than a blockchain run by people who argue on Discord. Qureshi also bets big on corporate wallets joining the party by 2026. Imagine your bank CEO sipping coffee from a crypto-coined mug. ☕☕

Market structure and DeFi

In DeFi, consolidation is on the menu – or as Qureshi calls it, “kill all the small players.” Picture a crypto version of House of Cards, but with more NFT influencers. And expect at least one insider trading scandal that makes the BBC go “hmm, crypto, interesting.” 🎤

Derivatives and liquidity? Qureshi’s nodding yes to “negotiated execution” and goodbye to open-order chaos. Clearly, someone’s had one too many hours spent on Byzantine coin merges. 🔄

Payments and stablecoins

Stablecoins? Qureshi’s thesis is simple: They’ll either explode like a 💣 or stagnate like a spreadsheet. But who cares? Distribution will fix it all, especially in places where USD has never been invited to brunch. 🥂

Regulation and politics

Congress? Oh sweet summer child, they’ll pass a crypto bill by 2026 – or crash the economy trying. Qureshi’s got confidence in mid-level outcomes. Which is corporate speak for “nothing changes, but everyone gets lawyers.” ⚖️

Crypto-political collusion? Expect a congressional series of “shady deals” that’ll make Game of Thrones characters blush. Note to self: Become a blockchain whistleblower by 2027. 🙋♂️

Prediction markets, AI and security

Prediction markets will boom… if you ignore the legal red flags. Qureshi bets on “copycats who can’t spell Bitcoin.” Pro tip: If your prediction market isn’t called “DestinyToken,” don’t invest. 🎱

AI in crypto? Hype for dev tools, not your robot sidekick. Think: “Automated vulnerability checks, but still 99% hacking. It’s like a spa day for hackers.” 💅

Finally, Qureshi admits he “invests in most of this.” In his defense, transparency is just a vague term in crypto. 😉 Now go check if your portfolio survived this?! 🚀