Bitcoin to $160K?! 🤯 You Won’t Believe It!

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Right. So, some people with very impressive titles at a place called “Presto Research” (presumably not involving rabbits and top hats, which is a disappointment 🎩) have been gazing into their crystal ball – or more likely, a very large spreadsheet – and have declared that by 2026, Bitcoin will be worth… wait for it… $160,000. Honestly. You could probably buy a small island for that, assuming the island doesn’t come with any dragons or demanding property taxes.

And it doesn’t stop there. They reckon people will be shuffling around nearly half a trillion dollars worth of ‘tokenized assets’, which sounds suspiciously like turning perfectly good things into digital gewgaws. Meanwhile, something called ‘confidential DeFi’ (sounds like a spy agency for your finances 🕵️‍♀️) will be worth over ten billion. All this as the grown-ups – i.e., the people with the serious money – start poking around in the crypto world.

Grown-Up Crypto? Is That Even Allowed?

Apparently, 2025 was a bit of a mess. A ‘formative’ mess, they say. Which is a polite way of saying everyone was getting carried away and now they’re trying to tidy up. They’re now saying the market wants “cash flow” and “regulation-ready products”. Which, let’s face it, sounds about as exciting as watching paint dry, but is probably what responsible investors want. Who knew?

These analysts are predicting that people will be busy digitally owning bits of things like US Treasury bills (because that’s thrilling) and, naturally, stablecoins for sending money around, which is useful, we suppose, if you’re planning a very complicated game of international hide-and-seek. They do point out this is about using crypto, not just obsessively refreshing price charts.

Now, about that $160,000 for Bitcoin… They’ve even taken into account the possibility of quantum computers arriving and, frankly, breaking everything. They’ve applied a “30% quantum haircut” (a truly alarming phrase, suggesting a digital tonsorial mishap 💇). Apparently, if people start worrying about quantum computers, they might not want to throw all their money at Bitcoin. It’s a surprisingly sensible precaution, all things considered.

And that “confidential DeFi”? That’s for when you’d rather your financial transactions weren’t broadcast to the entire blockchain. Apparently privacy is in. Who’d have thought?

The Market is…Maturing? Dear Gods.

They claim 2025 was a year of contradictions: some good regulations, some giant companies decided to play, but also everything was hampered by stuffy old rules about money. Which is rude, really. The market also preferred ‘narrative and liquidity’ to, you know, actual fundamentals. Sounds a bit like a pub argument, if you ask me.

But things are changing, apparently. Traditional finance – the kind with actual buildings and people in suits – are moving in. And they’re predicting that ‘AI agents’ will be performing ‘microtransactions’. Which sounds like a dystopian future where robots are buying and selling digital beans 🤖. Still, 300 million transactions a month? That’s a lot of beans.

And here’s the kicker: they’re predicting that most altcoins (the ones that aren’t Bitcoin) will stop being profitable to hold. Which is a rather brutal way of saying many will just… sit there. The report casually mentions “funding is finally pricing in reality”, which, frankly, is a bit harsh on the ambitious digital schemes out there.

The overall message? Crypto is growing up. Or at least, pretending to. It’s all about measurable value and risk management now. Which, frankly, sounds like far too much effort. But hey, maybe that’s a good thing. Perhaps. Don’t quote us on that.

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2025-12-20 15:18