Pyongyang’s AI Gambit: Banned GPUs Fuel Crypto Heists – A Technological Tragi-Comedy

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In a stunning act of bureaucratic ingenuity, North Korea has reportedly spent three decades of feverish toil honing artificial intelligence capabilities to streamline its crypto-theft operations. One might imagine Kim Jong-un personally supervising a team of coding defectors with a spreadsheet titled “How to Rob a Blockchain for Dummies.”

  • INSS reports: North Korea is deploying banned NVIDIA GPUs to turbocharge AI-driven cybercrime. Because nothing says “responsible tech use” like flouting sanctions with a GeForce RTX 2700.
  • AI tools for facial recognition and voice synthesis? Oh, how delightfully Orwellian. Next, they’ll be deepfaking your cat to drain your crypto wallet. 🐱💰
  • Crypto hacks in November 2025 totaled $172.5M. Code flaws? Merely a “feature,” not a bug. 😏

Pyongyang’s researchers have apparently mastered the art of smuggling NVIDIA GeForce RTX 2700 graphics cards-those sleek, powerful relics of the West-into their AI labs, likely under the guise of “diplomatic gifts.” These GPUs now power projects focused on pattern recognition, speech processing, and data optimization. One wonders if the North Koreans have also optimized their ability to avoid paying taxes.

As crypto hacks hit a record $172.5M in November 2025, Kim Min Jung of the INSS warned, “We must monitor North Korea’s AI research trends.” Translation: “Someone, please stop them from making a TikTok bot for phishing scams.”

Facial Recognition and Voice Synthesis: The New Black

Since the 2010s, Pyongyang’s technocrats have turned their attention to the noble art of facial recognition and voice synthesis, which they’ve apparently decided to weaponize with the enthusiasm of a Victorian inventor attempting to power a time machine with steam and spite.

Studies from the National Academy of Sciences’ Mathematical Research Institute and Pyongyang Lee University reveal a focus on “multi-object tracking” and “lightweight voice synthesis.” In layman’s terms, this means North Korea is probably building a bot that can mimic your grandmother’s voice to scam you out of Bitcoin. 🎤💀

These efforts, they claim, aim to improve accuracy and processing speed “within limited computational environments.” One suspects the “limitations” refer to the fact that their internet connection is powered by carrier pigeons.

The technologies, they say, will help “identify targets,” predict movement paths, and disrupt communications. Or, in plain English: “Let’s rob people faster and with more flair.”

Some studies used NVIDIA’s GeForce RTX 2700, which the U.S. Treasury has sensibly banned from export to North Korea. One wonders if NVIDIA’s lawyers are currently drafting a memo titled “How to Avoid Getting Sanctioned by Accidentally Selling GPUs to Tyrants.”

Industrial-Scale Theft: The AI Revolution

The INSS report ominously warns that AI could enable deepfake production, detection evasion, and “optimized crypto asset theft.” Because nothing says “technological progress” like turning your grandma’s face into a ransomware ad. 🖥️🎭

“High-performance AI resources could exponentially increase attack attempts,” the report states, as if this were a reasonable outcome rather than a dystopian nightmare. One imagines a future where North Korean hackers work 9-to-5 shifts, sipping lukewarm tea while their AI bots drain wallets with the efficiency of a McDonald’s drive-thru.

Multi-person tracking research, they suggest, could expand into real-time surveillance when combined with CCTV or drones. Because nothing says “privacy” like being stalked by a government-operated drone with a GeForce GPU. 🚁👀

The report also notes North Korea-China-Russia collusion post-Ukraine War as a “variable” that could accelerate AI deployment. One hopes their joint project is a spam bot that only sends emails in iambic pentameter.

#CertiKStatsAlert 🚨

November 2025 crypto losses: $172.5M. Code flaws = $130.2M in losses. Someone, please fix your code. 🛠️💸

– CertiK Alert (@CertiKAlert) November 30, 2025

CertiK Alert data confirms November 2025 losses at $172.5M, with $45.5M frozen or returned. Code vulnerabilities and wallet compromises? The usual suspects, now with 20% more chaos. 🧨

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2025-12-01 02:57