China\’s Crypto Crackdown 2025: Bye-Bye Bitcoin, Hello Headaches!

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Oh, the PBOC has another idea! With the finesse of a toddler determined not to share toys, China’s central bank has once again solemnly declared war on cryptocurrency trading 🚀. Because nothing says “financial stability” like banning virtual coins until they vanish like magic tricks. Despite a roaring global crypto resurgence (we’re talking “Elon Musk’s tucked reference to Mars” levels), China’s clinging to its 2021 crypto ban like it’s their last remaining sock from a mismatched pair. And guess what? They’re now hunting “illegal activities” linked to crypto with the tenacity of a terrier at a tennis ball factory.

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Stablecoins: Still Failing AML Exams 🤯

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Back in 2021, China plonked its foot down, squashing crypto trading and mining with the vigor of a grumpy librarian at a napkin-throwing party 🍃. At the time, they were crypto’s crown jewel (aka “world’s mining king”), but now they’re just observing the world’s Zoom calls about crypto-except they’ve muted themselves. Four years on, the PBOC is still furiously typing “ban, ban, ban…” into a spreadsheet titled “Things We Hate.” Why, you ask? Because stablecoins, those “falsely stable” coins, haven’t copied China’s homework on anti-money laundering (AML), which is now on China’s “blockchain bad list.” Nov. 28, 2025, was the day 13 government departments convened in a meeting titled “How to Out-Ban Ourselves.” Truly a cinematic event-possibly a sequel to “The Great Wall of Bitcoin.”

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Breaking news: China will out-organize itself. They’ve enlisted departments like the Ministry of Justice (because who better to enforce rules than people who could argue a toaster is sentient?) and the State Financial Regulatory Commission (whose idea of a good time is “scrutinizing decimal places”) to brainstorm even more ways to suffocate crypto. They’re fretting about “speculation” and “illicit activities,” which, honestly, sounds like a teen’s diary: “So, I made 10,000 dogecoins, hahaaa… probably?”

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The pièce de résistance? The PBOC’s decree that no crypto is legal tender-not even stablecoins. Per the terrifyingly authoritative statement: “Stablecoins are virtual currency… which can’t meet requirements… yadda yadda money laundering.” If they say it often enough, maybe it’ll be true. Or maybe they’re all just crypto haters with a passion for red tape.

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Overheard in the PBOC meeting room: “Virtual currency business is illegal… unless it’s legal in Libya. Then it’s a 🤷.”

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Now, per this fiery new policy, agencies must “inspire each other with kindness” (read: coordinate aggressively) to crack down harder on crypto criminals. Because the best way to protect “peoples’ property safety” is boys with clipboards slapping wrists. And let’s not forget the Oscar-winning line about aligning with “President Xi Jinping’s Thought on Socialism with Chinese Characteristics for a New Era”-because, obviously, Bitcoin needs more socialism. 🤡

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Crypto Prices: Still Here, Just Ignored 📉

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Meanwhile, the crypto world is quietly shrugging as the total market cap floats at $3.06 trillion with a 0.12% gain. Trading volume, though? It’s down 32.95% to $81.28 billion-guess everyone’s sending Xs to China 🤷\u200d♂️. But hey, at least the placeholder image’s there to witness it:

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China’s Crypto Crackdown 2025: Bye-Bye Bitcoin, Hello <a href="https://usdaed.com/head">Headaches</a>!

Oh, the PBOC has another idea! With the finesse of a toddler determined not to share toys, China’s central bank has once again solemnly declared war on cryptocurrency trading 🚀. Because nothing says “financial stability” like banning virtual coins until they vanish like magic tricks. Despite a roaring global crypto resurgence (we’re talking “Elon Musk’s tucked reference to Mars” levels), China’s clinging to its 2021 crypto ban like it’s their last remaining sock from a mismatched pair. And guess what? They’re now hunting “illegal activities” linked to crypto with the tenacity of a terrier at a tennis ball factory.

Stablecoins: Still Failing AML Exams 🤯

Back in 2021, China plonked its foot down, squashing crypto trading and mining with the vigor of a grumpy librarian at a napkin-throwing party 🍃. At the time, they were crypto’s crown jewel (aka “world’s mining king”), but now they’re just observing the world’s Zoom calls about crypto-except they’ve muted themselves. Four years on, the PBOC is still furiously typing “ban, ban, ban…” into a spreadsheet titled “Things We Hate.” Why, you ask? Because stablecoins, those “falsely stable” coins, haven’t copied China’s homework on anti-money laundering (AML), which is now on China’s “blockchain bad list.” Nov. 28, 2025, was the day 13 government departments convened in a meeting titled “How to Out-Ban Ourselves.” Truly a cinematic event-possibly a sequel to “The Great Wall of Bitcoin.”

Breaking news: China will out-organize itself. They’ve enlisted departments like the Ministry of Justice (because who better to enforce rules than people who could argue a toaster is sentient?) and the State Financial Regulatory Commission (whose idea of a good time is “scrutinizing decimal places”) to brainstorm even more ways to suffocate crypto. They’re fretting about “speculation” and “illicit activities,” which, honestly, sounds like a teen’s diary: “So, I made 10,000 dogecoins, hahaaa… probably?”

The pièce de résistance? The PBOC’s decree that no crypto is legal tender-not even stablecoins. Per the terrifyingly authoritative statement: “Stablecoins are virtual currency… which can’t meet requirements… yadda yadda money laundering.” If they say it often enough, maybe it’ll be true. Or maybe they’re all just crypto haters with a passion for red tape.

Overheard in the PBOC meeting room: “Virtual currency business is illegal… unless it’s legal in Libya. Then it’s a 🤷.”

Now, per this fiery new policy, agencies must “inspire each other with kindness” (read: coordinate aggressively) to crack down harder on crypto criminals. Because the best way to protect “peoples’ property safety” is boys with clipboards slapping wrists. And let’s not forget the Oscar-winning line about aligning with “President Xi Jinping’s Thought on Socialism with Chinese Characteristics for a New Era”-because, obviously, Bitcoin needs more socialism. 🤡

Crypto Prices: Still Here, Just Ignored 📉

Meanwhile, the crypto world is quietly shrugging as the total market cap floats at $3.06 trillion with a 0.12% gain. Trading volume, though? It’s down 32.95% to $81.28 billion-guess everyone’s sending Xs to China 🤷‍♂️. But hey, at least the placeholder image’s there to witness it:


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2025-11-30 16:47