Crypto Chaos: BTC Bounces, ETH Stalls, and North Korea Lurks 🕵️♂️💰

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Ah, the cryptocurrency market-a realm where fortunes are made and lost with the whimsy of a tipsy aristocrat at a soiree. This week, the digital darlings have decided to don their dancing shoes, prancing into positive territory with all the grace of a Waugh protagonist at a garden party. Bitcoin (BTC), that stalwart of the crypto world, has rebounded from its Friday frolic at $80,000, reclaiming $86,000 with a flourish. Up over 2% in the past 24 hours, it now trades at a modest $86,495-a figure that would make even the most jaded financier raise an eyebrow. 🤑

Sentiment, that fickle mistress, has turned as positive as a glass of champagne at Ascot, thanks to whispers of a December rate cut by the Federal Reserve. Investors, ever the optimists, have resumed their risk-taking, despite the macroeconomic landscape resembling a Waugh novel-chaotic, unpredictable, and slightly absurd. 🥂

Ethereum (ETH), meanwhile, has stalled around $2,850, its recovery as halting as a debutante’s first waltz. Buyers, it seems, are struggling to push it beyond $3,000, leaving it to languish at $2,826. Ripple’s (XRP) positive start has fizzled like a damp squib, down nearly 1% at $2.05. Solana (SOL) and Dogecoin (DOGE) are holding their own, but Cardano (ADA) and Chainlink (LINK) have taken a turn for the worse. Stellar (XLM) and Hedera (HBAR), however, are the belles of the ball, up 4% and 9% respectively. Litecoin (LTC), Toncoin (TON), and Polkadot (DOT) have returned to their bearish ways, sulking in the corner like spurned suitors. 🐻

JPMorgan: The Villain of the Crypto Ball 🎭

In a plot twist worthy of a Waugh novel, the Bitcoin community and Strategy supporters have called for a boycott of JPMorgan, that bastion of traditional finance. The cause? MSCI, the index company, is poised to exclude crypto treasury companies like Strategy from its indexes in January 2026. JPMorgan, ever the bearer of bad news, shared this tidbit in a research note, prompting cries of outrage. Grant Cardone, real estate mogul and Bitcoin advocate, declared with typical restraint, “I just pulled $20 million from Chase and am suing them for credit card malfeasance.” Bravo, sir, bravo. 👏

Michael Saylor, Strategy’s founder, responded with the eloquence of a Waugh protagonist: “Strategy is not a fund, not a trust, and not a holding company. We create, structure, issue, and operate. Strategy is a Bitcoin-backed structured finance company.” Quite the retort, though one wonders if it will sway the powers that be. 🧐

North Korea: The Crypto Ghost in the Machine 👻

In a development that would make even Waugh blush, Pablo Sabbatella of Opsek believes that 20% of crypto companies may have North Korean hackers embedded within their ranks. These digital desperados, barred by international sanctions, have devised a cunning plan: hiring fake employees in other countries via platforms like Upwork and Freelancer. The earnings are split 80:20, with the North Koreans taking the lion’s share. The “front person,” meanwhile, gets their computer infected with malware, granting access to American IP addresses. “They work well, they work a lot, and they never complain,” Sabbatella notes. A truly Waughian scheme, blending deceit, ingenuity, and a dash of farce. 🕵️♂️

Rate Cut Odds: A Dovish Delight 🕊️

Expectations of a Federal Reserve rate cut have surged, thanks to New York Fed President John Williams’s dovish remarks. Markets, ever the optimists, now assign a 57% chance of a 25-basis-point cut in December. Yet, trading in US cash Treasuries remains shut in Asia due to a holiday, leaving bond markets to await more data. The interest rate outlook, meanwhile, is as clear as a Waugh plot-hard to gauge and full of unexpected twists. 🌪️

Bitcoin (BTC) Price Analysis: A Rollercoaster Ride 🎢

Bitcoin has had a week as tumultuous as a Waugh family dinner. After plummeting to $80,524 on Friday, it rebounded to $86,806 by Sunday, only to trade around $87,096 in the current session. Analysts believe the price will stabilize between $89,000 and $95,000, ruling out a swift return to $100,000. Institutional demand, it seems, has cooled, with substantial outflows from spot Bitcoin ETFs. “ETFs are a direct reflection of the demand level,” note analysts from TeraHash. Trading volumes, however, have jumped to $64.7 billion, indicating a return of market activity after the liquidation flush. 📉📈

Ethereum (ETH) Price Analysis: Fusaka to the Rescue? 🚀

Ethereum, after dropping to $2,620 on Friday, has recovered to $2,827, up almost 2% in the current session. Bitwise CIO Matt Hougan believes ETH could lead the next market rally, citing the upcoming Fusaka upgrade as a major catalyst. Scheduled for December 3, Fusaka promises to make Layer2 rollup operations faster, cheaper, and more efficient. “The market will start to orient around the positive impacts of Fusaka soon,” Hougan predicts. BitMine, undeterred by the market slump, has doubled down on its ETH bet, purchasing 21,537 ETH. A bold move, or a Waughian folly? Only time will tell. 🧙♂️

Solana (SOL) Price Analysis: Walking the Tightrope 🪜

Solana, after plunging to $121 on Friday, has stabilized around $129. The altcoin faces a looming death cross between its 50-day and 200-day SMAs, a technical pattern that has traders on edge. If the $120 support is breached, SOL could drop to $100 or lower. Buyers must reclaim the $145 zone to show renewed strength. A precarious position, much like a Waugh character teetering on the edge of social disgrace. 🤸♂️

Jupiter (JUP) and Near Protocol (NEAR): The Fallen Stars 🌟

Jupiter (JUP) and Near Protocol (NEAR) have both endured sharp drops, with JUP falling to $0.234 and NEAR trading around $1.829. Their price action has been as erratic as a Waugh plot, with sellers retaining control. Will they recover, or are they destined to fade into obscurity like a minor character in a Waugh novel? Only the market knows. 🌌

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2025-11-24 17:54