One crisp autumn day in October 2025, President Trump, with the flair of a magician pulling a rabbit from a hat, waved his presidential wand and poof–Binance’s Changpeng “CZ” Zhao was suddenly free of a federal conviction. The crime? Failing to stop money from laundering itself. CZ had already paid $50 million (a pile of cash as big as a mountain of freshly dug dimes) and spent four months in a cell the size of a broom cupboard. Binance itself coughed up $4 billion, which is enough to buy every citizen of Bhutan a lifetime supply of chocolate sauce. 🍫
Lawmakers Demand Answers
Representative Maxine Waters, a very cross lady with a voice like a steam engine, called the pardon “appalling but not a surprise, considering the president’s well-known fondness for shiny things and golden toilets.” She alleged that CZ had been playing a game of crocodile chess with the Trump family, funneling billions into a crypto venture called World Liberty Financial. “I want records! I want explanations!” she roared, while her aides scrambled to find a pen that hadn’t been bought with cryptocurrency. 🧵
The markets reacted like a flock of startled pigeons taking flight. Binance’s BNB token soared 3%-8% in a single day, which is impressive if you’re a bird but worrying if you’re a regulator. Traders celebrated with champagne and existential dread, wondering if this meant crypto’s days of being treated like a misbehaving toddler were finally over. 🦜📈
Legal Context And Reaction
Zhao’s original crime was a little thing called the Bank Secrecy Act. He forgot to make an anti-money-laundering program, which is like forgetting to put a lid on a soup pot during a hurricane. The pardon now acts as a magic eraser for his record, but the facts remain-like a sticky note you can’t scrub off a mirror. CZ, ever the optimist, thanked Trump for “upholding America’s commitment to fairness, innovation, and justice,” which is a bit like thanking a bull for not goring you. 🐂
“Deeply grateful for today’s pardon! 🙌 To President Trump, the mighty wizard of pardons… I will do everything to make America the Capital of Crypto! 💻💰 #Web3WorldDomination”
– CZ BNB (@cz_binance) October 23, 2025
Senator Elizabeth Warren, a woman with a voice like a foghorn, called the pardon “a disgraceful circus act.” Meanwhile, some Republicans clapped their hands and said, “At last! A crypto cowboy to lead the charge!” 🤠💻 Congress now scrambles to investigate whether CZ slipped Trump a golden goose egg (or a golden goose). The financial links? A bit of a mystery, like a box of chocolates filled with questions and maybe a crocodile or two. 🍫🐊
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2025-10-25 20:14