Two Stocks: Portals to Generational Wealth (Or At Least a Decent Holiday Fund)

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In the grand bazaar of capitalism, where fortunes rise and fall faster than a wizard’s hat in a windstorm, certain investments shimmer with the peculiar glow of possibility. These are not mere equities, but tickets to caravans heading toward the fabled markets of compounding interest. Today we examine two such beasts: one that turns merchants into digital sorcerers, and another that transforms language learners into polyglot ninjas. Both have the distinct advantage of existing in realms where the laws of physics (and occasionally sanity) bend to the will of quarterly earnings.

1. Shopify: The Alchemists’ Guild of E-Commerce

Shopify (SHOP) has performed the modern equivalent of turning lead into gold. An investor in 2015 would now possess a portfolio that could purchase several small principalities, assuming the seller accepts digital currency. Its 4,000% ascent feels less like a stock chart and more like a dragon’s vertical takeoff.

This empire operates on a principle so simple even a goblin accountant could grasp it: For a modest subscription fee, merchants gain access to tools that would make the Guild of Ancient Artificers weep with envy. Online storefronts materialize like summoned imps. Payment systems flow smoother than a bard’s lies. And now, artificial intelligence whispers optimizations into the ears of its creators, who presumably stroke their chins in dimly lit server rooms.

Consider the numbers: $88 billion in transaction value last quarter alone. This is but a thimbleful compared to the $6 trillion ocean of global e-commerce. Imagine a fisherman staring at a puddle and declaring, “There be whales out there.”1

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Two secrets fuel this engine:

  1. AI-powered efficiency: While competitors hire armies of analysts, Shopify’s algorithms toil like enchanted quills. Free cash flow ballooned 850% over three years even as human headcount shrank. One wonders if the remaining employees are secretly clones or particularly motivated gnomes.2
  2. The Merchant Moat: Its users grow faster than the e-commerce market itself-a paradoxical feat akin to a broomstick outpacing a dragon. When merchants thrive, Shopify thrives, creating a feedback loop reminiscent of the Ouroboros, albeit with more quarterly dividends.

With AI development accelerating faster than a troll fleeing sunlight, Shopify’s valuation may yet prove conservative. The road to $6 trillion is long, but as any seasoned cartographer knows, the first step is always the cheapest.

2. Duolingo: The Wizarding Academy of App Stores

Duolingo (DUOL) has conjured a 235% return over three years-a feat that would make even the Archmage of Time nod in appreciation. Its stock chart resembles a phoenix’s flight path: dramatic, colorful, and occasionally scorched by market corrections.

Beneath the owl-shaped spectacles lies a plan so audacious it could only originate from a think tank of madcap professors: Replace traditional education with gamified AI tutors. The global education market, worth $8 trillion by 2030 according to Morgan Stanley (or as I call them, “The Seers of Wall Street”), suddenly looks like a particularly plump griffin ripe for taming.

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Daily active users have swollen to 48 million-a horde larger than the population of most fantasy kingdoms. These users return daily, not monthly, which suggests Duolingo’s app is more addictive than a cursed ale. Its expansion into chess and math mirrors a wizard’s library expanding to include “dangerous” and “extremely dangerous” sections.

Here’s the twist: Every user interaction trains Duolingo’s AI like a dragon trainer’s apprentice. New courses materialize faster than a time-turner’s tick, with minimal cost increases. Revenue surged 161% to $885 million while free cash flow erupted like a volcano-$321 million and climbing.

The educational moat deepens: When daily users outpace monthly ones, you know you’ve created something sticky. Not literally-though I’d wager the Duolingo Owl has pecked more than a few procrastinators into submission.

1 A puddle containing 352 billion dollars annually would require a very large thimble and an even larger dragon.
2 Unconfirmed reports suggest Shopify’s headquarters houses a room where engineers shout “OPTIMIZE!” while throwing dice made of rare earth metals.

Investors seeking generational wealth must weigh these opportunities against the ever-present risk of market gremlins. But remember: The best portfolios, like the best stories, are built on foundations that withstand the gnashing teeth of time. And if all else fails, at least you’ll have a holiday fund large enough to buy a dragon-proof umbrella. 🧙♂️

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2025-09-28 21:29