Dividend Stocks: A Guide for the Perilously Invested

In the grand Discworld of finance, where the Invisible Hand of the Market flaps about like a startled goose, dividend stocks are the equivalent of a well-stocked larder. The best of them don’t just feed you-they teach you how to bake bread, grow wheat, and occasionally forget to burn it. ¹

Two companies stand out in this particular economic dungeon crawl: ConocoPhillips (COP) and Kinder Morgan (KMI). They are not merely firms but guilds of the alchemical order, transmuting volatility into steady streams of coin. Their dividend growth profiles gleam like a dragon’s hoard in a spreadsheet.

High-Octane Dividend Growth for Years to Come (Or Until the Oil Runs Out)

ConocoPhillips, that most venerable of the Guild of Alchemists and Venture Capitalists, has constructed a portfolio so labyrinthine it would make a dwarf weep with envy. Its oil and gas reserves, priced below $40 a barrel, are the financial equivalent of a bottomless well of mead. ² Even when the market’s ale is watered down, Conoco’s cask remains full.

The company is now embarking on a grand expansion-a bit like building a new library in Ankh-Morpork during a zombie uprising. It’s investing in liquefied natural gas (LNG) terminals, which are to energy what the Unseen University is to magic: a place where the inexplicable becomes routine. ³

There’s also the Willow project in Alaska, a $7 billion endeavor that will commence in 2029. One imagines a team of bearded men in parkas muttering about “synergies” while a bear watches, mildly interested. Meanwhile, the acquisition of Marathon Oil promises to save another $1 billion-though whether this is a triumph of accounting or alchemy remains to be seen. ⁴

Conoco’s strategy is as simple as it is audacious: diversify, dominate, and do it all again. By 2029, it aims to generate $7 billion in incremental free cash flow-enough to fund dividend increases and the occasional pyramid scheme for shareholders. Management promises growth in the top 25% of the S&P 500, a claim that smells faintly of hubris and hedge fund fees. ⁵

And let us not forget the share buybacks, a financial sleight of hand as old as the Bank of Ankh itself. By reducing the number of shares, Conoco ensures its dividend per share grows like a weed in a neglected garden. ⁶

The Power to Grow Through 2030 (If the Pipelines Don’t Explode)

Kinder Morgan, that most industrious of the Guild of Pipeworks and Carbon Dioxide Management, operates a network of pipelines so extensive it could double as a subway system for gnomes. ⁷ Nearly 70% of its cash flow comes from contracts so ironclad they could be used as anvil substitutes. The rest? A smattering of “fee-based agreements”-a term that sounds less like finance and more like a tavern tab. ⁸

With a 4.2% yield and a dividend payout ratio that leaves room for expansion, Kinder Morgan is the financial equivalent of a baker who keeps the recipe for sourdough. Its $9.3 billion in growth projects-mostly natural gas pipelines-could power a small continent or, more likely, a series of increasingly desperate PowerPoint presentations. ⁹

The company’s acquisition of a North Dakota gas-gathering system for $640 million is the financial equivalent of buying a duck for its eggs, only to discover it’s a magician who pulls more ducks from its bill. ¹⁰ Such is the art of pipelineology: it’s not just about moving stuff; it’s about moving it in a way that makes accountants weep into their spreadsheets.

Ample Dividend Growth Ahead (Assuming No Catastrophic Black Swans)

ConocoPhillips and Kinder Morgan are not merely stocks-they are investments in the idea that humanity will always need energy, pipelines, and the occasional LNG terminal. Their growth trajectories are as certain as the sun rising (unless it’s an equinox, in which case all bets are off).

Hold these stocks into the 2030s, and you may yet witness the alchemical transformation of volatility into stability. Or, as the Discworld’s greatest moneylender once said: “The best way to predict the future is to invent it-and then charge interest.” ¹¹

Invest wisely, and may your dividends flow as freely as the ale at the Watch’s annual banquet. 🛢️

¹ Assuming the Invisible Hand doesn’t sprain its wrist.
² Or a very long barrel.
³ Also known as “the future.”
⁴ See also: “creative accounting,” “the art of the possible.”
⁵ A claim that would make even the bravest of investors reach for their smelling salts.
⁶ Or, in Discworld terms, “robbing Peter to pay Paul, then charging Peter a fee for the privilege.”
⁷ If gnomes existed and cared about carbon dioxide.
⁸ Also known as “I’ll pay you Friday.”
⁹ Or a series of increasingly desperate PowerPoint presentations.
¹⁰ A metaphor for financial alchemy, of course.
¹¹ Attributed to the late, great Mr. Dickens, though he probably meant it as a joke.

2025-09-20 11:19

High-Octane Dividend Growth for Years to Come (Or Until the Oil Runs Out)

The Power to Grow Through 2030 (If the Pipelines Don’t Explode)

Ample Dividend Growth Ahead (Assuming No Catastrophic Black Swans)

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