Costco’s Three Acts of Greed: A Satirical Unveiling

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Behold, the grand theater of commerce, where the curtain rises on a most peculiar performance: Costco Wholesale, that paragon of fiscal acumen, has unveiled three acts of innovation-each more theatrical than the last. One might mistake it for a farce, were it not for the coin clinking so loudly in the background.

Let us not mince words: retail is a realm where margins are as thin as the paper upon which they are inked. Yet Costco, with its gilded trinity of Amazon, Walmart, and itself, has mastered the art of the illusion. They prance about, ever the industrious ants, yet their truest muse is the alchemy of turning pennies into gold.

These three acts-fee hikes, gatekeeping, and temporal tyranny-reveal a company less concerned with its patrons and more with the gilded cage it has so meticulously crafted. Let us dissect this masquerade with the precision of a surgeon and the wit of a satirist.

Act I: The Fee Fiasco

On the first day of September, 2024, Costco’s ushers raised the curtain on a most “noble” gesture: an increase in membership fees. Gold Star and Business members now pay £65, while Executive cardholders, those chosen few, cough up £130 annually. One might call it a mere trifle, were it not for the 2% rebate on purchases-now a paltry £1,250 per annum, a sum that glimmers with the false promise of largesse.

This was no impulsive decision, but a calculated move, as if the company had consulted the stars (or perhaps its CFO) and declared, “The time is ripe to pluck more fruit from the tree of our patrons.” The fee, after all, is the lifeblood of Costco’s grand design: to offer groceries at prices so low they border on charitable, while the true profit flows from the velvet rope of membership.

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Act II: The Great Scan

In the second act, Costco donned the mantle of a vigilant gatekeeper. With nary a by-your-leave, it decreed that only the “anointed” (i.e., paying members) might enter its hallowed halls. Scanners now stand sentinel at every entrance, demanding a digital or physical token of allegiance. Should one forget their card, a photo ID is required-a bureaucratic flourish that would make a Molière character weep.

This, they claim, is to preserve the sanctity of the 79.6 million members. Yet one suspects the true motive lies in the margins: by barring non-members, Costco ensures that the prices of its famed hot dogs and sushi rolls remain artificially low, a bait-and-switch that keeps the masses coming, if only to gawk at the spectacle.

Act III: The Temporal Tyranny

The final act is a masterstroke of psychological manipulation. Executive members, that 47% who account for 73.1% of sales, are now granted exclusive shopping hours: 9 a.m. to 10 a.m. on weekdays, and a mere 30 minutes on Saturdays. A “privilege,” they call it, though it reeks of a carrot dangled before the donkey of consumerism.

This stratagem serves a dual purpose: it cements loyalty among the elite tier while nudging the Gold Star and Business members to upgrade. After all, who would not pay £250 extra to avoid the crush of humanity during their weekly pilgrimage to Costco’s temple of bulk?

And so, the curtain falls on this farce of aquisition and exclusion. Costco, the modern Miser, has proven that the true art of retail lies not in the goods sold, but in the rituals of access and exclusion it invents. One can only wonder what new folly awaits in the next act. 😊

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2025-09-19 10:14