Let me preface this by saying I once bought a stock because the name rhymed with “Google.” It was a disaster. But here we are, 2025, and the market’s back to its old tricks-corrections, record highs, and analysts who sound like they’ve never met a spreadsheet they couldn’t seduce. The AI wave? It’s less a wave and more a tidal wave that’s already flooded my mother’s living room. (She’s convinced her Alexa is writing poetry now.)
1. Alphabet
GOOG“>
Google Cloud’s $13.6 billion quarter? It’s enough to make me feel bad about my $300 smart fridge that still can’t tell the difference between milk and water. Alphabet’s throwing $85 billion at servers and data centers this year. I say, “Good for them. I’ll stick with my $12.99/month Netflix subscription, thank you very much.”
2. Microsoft
Microsoft (MSFT) is the corporate equivalent of my ex-boyfriend’s uncle who insists he’s “a tech guy.” Their $281.7 billion revenue? A number so large it makes me dizzy. Azure’s 34% growth to $75 billion is impressive, but nothing beats the real-time horror of watching my cousin’s GitHub Copilot write a Python script that accidentally deleted her thesis. (She still blames the AI. I believe her.)
Microsoft’s 98% recurring revenue base is comforting, like knowing your dry cleaner won’t disappear after one bad review. Their 400 data centers? I’d trade one for a better Wi-Fi signal at my in-laws’ house. But hey, if they’re building empires, maybe they’ll finally fix Outlook. (Please.)
3. ServiceNow
ServiceNow (NOW) is the digital equivalent of my neighbor’s overly enthusiastic lawn gnomes-always working, always a little unsettling. Their 21.5% revenue growth and $23.9 billion RPO are numbers that make me feel inadequate. I tried using their AI tools to automate my coffee orders. It worked… until it scheduled a latte at 3 a.m. and a decaf at noon. I’ve never been so confused by caffeine.
ServiceNow’s NOW Assist suite is a marvel of modern engineering, though I’m still waiting for it to stop suggesting “urgent” meetings at 2 a.m. The 98% renewal rate? That’s what I call “customer loyalty” or, as my therapist would say, “a coping mechanism.”
Buying these stocks isn’t about getting rich quick-it’s about surviving the next AI apocalypse with your sanity intact. Or at least your 401(k). 🤖
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2025-08-23 15:43