Right, so picture me on the sofa at 2 p.m. Saturday, still wearing the same dressing gown I bought on Boxing Day 2023, mainline-lack-of-caffeine because the kettle broke again, and I refresh the tracker to see Bitcoin whizzing downward faster than me sliding into DMs after three too many Aperol spritzes. Apparently the entire planet cashed $3.3 billion of profit over one single day-£3.3 BILLION-which is basically my wine budget multiplied by eternity plus VAT. 🍷💻
Need-to-Know Bullet Points, Ignore at Peril ⚡
- Saturday size-eight footprint on the sell button: $3.3B profit gone in 24hrs. Tops even July (we’re calling it “Saturyay” now).
- Four whole All-Time Highs this year; corrections shrinking faster than my willpower near free cake, from 30% to merely 8%. Progress, innit?
How It Went Down, Relive the Cringe 🥲
This latest swan-dive started right after Bitcoin gave itself a smug victory lap at $124k. It’s now slumped 7%+ in record time, presumably chasing its dignity like mice in stilettos. Truth be told, traders have been basically daily ATM-ing gains since New Year’s; only ten grumpy sessions showed red ink when no one wanted to admit they’d panic-sell Grandma’s inheritance sat in cold storage. 💼📉
Remember the April $76k freak-out? Same vibe, except now the $100k round-number sparked an avalanche of “sell high, sleep perchance to Netflix.” Hence-here we are-staring at three-point-something billion in realized profit, wearing last night’s pajama bottoms and wondering if lunch is acceptable at 11 a.m. (Spoiler: yes, always.)
Fast recap: January crash 30%, May mini-meltdown 12%, July “only 9%,” and now August is practically a polite hiccup at 8%. Translation: the market’s growing up, or at least learning to hold it together in public like I do after 3 pm caffeine withdrawal. Perhaps next correction will be a dainty 2.5% and we’ll Instagram it with a soft-focus filter. 📲✨
Update: posted this, kettle still broken, wallet still empty, dignity still pending. Back in a minute-checking if the universe will reimburse snacks in SAT.
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2025-08-18 13:44