Tuesday, 9:37 a.m. The market’s engines are howling; analysts are frothing at the mouth. Palantir, that magnificent black box of algorithmic paranoia, explodes upwards, dragging fevered traders into the sky, 9.8% in a single psychedelic leap. I watched the ticker through a grimy glass of bourbon, hearing echoing chants from the other side of the screen-AI! AI! Every time this “artificial intelligence” snake slithers through earnings season, rubes line up to let the snake oilman read their palms.
Revenue: The Dope Is Stronger This Quarter
Numbers. You want numbers? The devils in Palo Alto are reporting 48% year-over-year revenue growth. One billion dollars. They beat the Street consensus with the smug confidence of a blackjack dealer on an Adderall binge. Earnings per share: up 78%. These are not the signs of sanity, but of a market on amphetamines, eyes popping, jaws grinding, chasing every glimmer off the screen.
Everyone’s slapping each other on the back over the U.S. commercial division-revenue up 93%, contracts erupting like geysers at Yellowstone. 64% more customers, apparently hypnotized by the promise of AI-powered insight, while contract values convulse 222% higher. That’s nearly a billion dollars in IOUs written on the faith that the math nerds can keep selling tomorrow’s ghost to today’s bankers. Net dollar retention: 128%. In normal times, I would say brilliant; right now it looks less like growth and more like mass psychosis.
Wall Street’s AI Orgy: “Beat and Raise” With a Side of Hallucination
C.E.O. Alex Karp, channeling biblical thunder, assures us the future is “only beginning.” Of course he does. What else do prophets of the tech apocalypse do? He scribbles new revenue prophecies onto the shareholder letter-$4.146 billion for the year, a 44% jump. Commercial U.S. revenue to “increase at least 85%.” I can almost hear the thunderclaps of champagne corks up and down Sand Hill Road.
But let’s douse the hallucination with a cold shower of numbers: the market’s giving Palantir a price tag 246 times next year’s expected earnings. That isn’t investing, that’s betting the rent money on a five-legged horse because the crowd’s screaming its name. Maybe Palantir is the real deal. Or maybe this is the dot-com mania wearing a new paper crown, and everybody’s too wasted on hype to care.
Meanwhile, the machine keeps moving, sucking in contracts, belching out promises, and inflating the AI bubble another size. Pour yourself another stiff drink, stay light on your feet, and don’t buy in unless you’re ready to ride this beast all the way through the next cycle of mania and despair-or until you see the whites of the machine’s eyes. 🦑
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2025-08-06 06:26