JPMorgan vs. Winklevoss: A Tale of Banking, Bitcoin, and Blocked Re-Onboarding 🚨

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Gemini’s Tyler Winklevoss, with the dramatic flair of a 19th-century novelist, has accused JPMorgan of halting their onboarding process—a move he claims is a petty retaliation for his “public shaming” of the bank’s data policies. One wonders if Jamie Dimon’s team now consults a thesaurus when drafting emails, lest they appear too “anti-competitive” or “immoral.”

In a tweet that would make a tsar’s courtiers gasp, Winklevoss alleged JPMorgan paused Gemini’s re-onboarding after he critiqued their new fees for fintech data access. “My tweet struck a nerve,” he declared, as if he’d just published a scathing satire of the Czar’s new mustache. “JPMorgan, in their infinite wisdom, decided to retaliate by… pausing our re-onboarding. Revolutionary, I know.”

The dispute, like a poorly written contract, revolves around JPMorgan’s decision to charge fintechs for access to customer data. Winklevoss, with the tenacity of a man who’s seen more than his share of bureaucratic nonsense, called it a plan to “bankrupt fintechs.” One imagines JPMorgan’s legal team now adds a 🐉 emoji to every memo to preemptively signal their dragon-like resistance to change.

Winklevoss also accused JPMorgan of stifling third-party platforms like Plaid, which, in a twist of irony, might now be renamed “Plaid, or Plaid, if You Must.” “Sorry, Jamie Dimon,” he wrote, “we’re not going to stay silent. We’ll keep calling out this ‘anti-competitive, rent-seeking behavior’ and ‘immoral attempt to bankrupt crypto.’” One wonders if the word “immoral” was added for dramatic effect or to appease his twin brother’s inner poet.

Gemini and JPMorgan’s relationship, like a poorly maintained teacup, has been prone to shattering at the slightest provocation. In 2023, JPMorgan allegedly asked Gemini to find another bank, citing “profitability concerns.” Gemini, ever the optimist, insists the teacup remains intact. Meanwhile, the world waits for a response from either party—perhaps they’ll communicate via carrier pigeon, for maximum old-world charm.

The Winklevoss twins, ever the socialites, have aligned themselves with a certain orange-haired figure. Their Bitcoin donations to his campaign were returned, a move that might have been less “immoral” and more “mathematically impossible.” Last month, Gemini filed for an IPO, a move that would make even the most stoic investor raise an eyebrow. The number of shares and price range? Undetermined. Perhaps they’ll let a Ouija board decide.

Gemini, founded in 2014, once raised $400 million at a $7.1 billion valuation. One can only imagine the champagne toasts and existential crises that followed. In the end, the saga of JPMorgan and Gemini is less a financial dispute and more a modern-day opera—complete with intrigue, grandiose declarations, and a cast of characters who probably need a therapist.

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2025-07-26 13:17