Elon Musk’s Robot Diners: Cute Outfits and Wallet Drainers! You Won’t Believe It!

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The whole Tesla thing? Yeah, those shares took a nosedive—down nearly 5% in after-hours trading. Just what we all want to hear after checking our stock apps, right? You know, mixed results in the June quarter. Automotive revenue? It’s like watching your favorite TV show get canceled—down 16% year-over-year! Fantastic.

Bitcoin holdings? Still sitting there like it’s at a family gathering, not changing a bit but mysteriously worth over $1.2 billion because, I don’t know, the crypto market decided to rally. By the way, can we take a moment to appreciate the new retro-themed diner they opened in West Hollywood? Because obviously, what the world needs right now is more diners! 🍽️

Tesla is apparently a barometer for tech, part of this big ol’ group they call “Magnificent 7.” Let me ask you—what about “Magnificent Seafood?” That sounds tastier. Anyway, Tesla stock (TLSA) wrapped up the after-hours at $317.80. Perfect, right? Just perfect.

So, they reported earnings. Allow me to set the scene: automotive revenue down, total revenue also down, like a bad sitcom. Someone’s flipping the channels. Click! What a disappointment!

In a post on X (because what isn’t on X these days?), Tesla claims it’s on a quest to dominate AI and robotics. Launched a robotaxi service in Austin too. Kudos! Cheers! 🎉 Or should I say… Here’s a ride with no driver—ever tried explaining that to your grandmother?

Tesla’s Bitcoin holdings shoot up to over $1.2 billion… on paper

So at the end of June, Tesla’s Bitcoin was sitting pretty at $1.23 billion—no new purchases, just sitting there. Kind of like my gym membership. Their “DevOps Ninja” financial guy, Taneja, shared that other income soared to $284 million. I’m just wondering if he meant “soared” like a bird or dropped like a lead balloon.

“Reminding everyone this creates volatility based on Bitcoin price” he says, as if we’re all sitting at a poker table holding our breath. Sounds fun, right? Having 11,509 BTC is like having a giant pile of Monopoly money—kind of impressive but mostly just confusing at this point.

Tesla Diner: Where cute robots serve overpriced food

Then there’s Musk chatting about upgrading the robot workforce at his diner, making sure they’re dressed to impress—because who doesn’t want their fries served with a side of cuteness? The diner opened in West Hollywood, and Musk promises that robots will “bring the food to your car.” What a breakthrough! The Optimus robot can currently only serve popcorn. Can’t wait for the full menu rollout! 🍿

Musk waxed lyrical during an investor call about how “we’ll go from a world where robots are rare to where they’re so common you won’t even look up.” Really? Is that nice or terrifying—we can’t even figure it out!

The diner’s got these high prices—let’s talk about that. I mean, a Tesla burger costs a staggering $13.50. Hold the presses! You get fries and a drink, and congratulations! Welcome to an overall $21.50 meal! Maybe I’ll just stick to better overpriced options—at least I can pronounce those places.

But don’t worry, the opening went well! Tesla Charging posted some pictures of patrons lining up outside like it’s the latest iPhone release or something. You know, because a restaurant is as exciting as a new phone—totally the same. Grok, the AI chatbot, had the audacity to compare the prices, and what did it say? “Tesla aligns with upscale diners but pricier than budget chains.” Thanks, Grok. Clearly, it’s every bit as helpful as a solid internet connection during a Zoom call. 🙄

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2025-07-24 14:49