3 Humorous Dividend-Paying ETFs to Buy Before the October S&P 500 Spook Fest

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After soaring over 20% in both 2023 and 2024 (yes, that’s not a typo, check your calendars), the S&P 500 (SNPINDEX: ^GSPC) is strutting its stuff with a 12.3% gain year-to-date. Now, some may say, “Hold my drink! This party can’t go on forever!” Others, perhaps donning their fanciest lab coats, argue that artificial intelligence (AI) is to modern markets what sliced bread was to sandwiches: a game changer! So, is it a case of “buy high, sell higher” or will the floor drop out like a stage prop in a bad sitcom?

If you’re fearing a market hiccup or just want to venture beyond the realm of skyrocketing growth stocks (perhaps you’re giving your portfolio a “spa day”), you’ve hit the jackpot, my friend!

Enter stage left: the Fool.com contributors, proudly presenting three exchange-traded funds (ETFs) that they believe are as tempting as a double cheeseburger at a salad convention: Vanguard Dividend Appreciation ETF (VIG), JPMorgan Nasdaq Equity Premium ETF (JEPQ), and Vanguard Consumer Staples ETF (VDC). All dazzling choices for your October shopping spree.

For the passive income peep show: Vanguard Dividend Appreciation ETF

Scott Levine (in a virtual tuxedo): Whoa there, party animals! The S&P 500 might be channeling its inner Usain Bolt, but wise investors know it’s time to firm up the defenses. Enter the Vanguard Dividend Appreciation ETF with its charming 1.6% dividend yield-your trusty sidekick in this rollercoaster market.

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Designed to mimic the S&P 500 U.S. Dividend Growers Index-essentially a VIP club for companies that not only give dividends but grow them-the Vanguard Dividend Appreciation ETF is stuffed with 337 splendid stocks, ready to pay you more than just compliments at cocktail parties. That said, most of its treasure lies within the realms of information tech (26.1%) and financials (22.6%).

With healthcare stocks making a cameo at 15.1%-think of them as the reliable best friend-the fund’s smorgasbord of sector diversification makes it a cuddle buddy for investors worried about industry-specific tumbles.

Plus, if you fancy yourself an AI enthusiast, then you’ll adore the top picks: Broadcom and Microsoft, with Apple waiting in the wings. And let’s not forget ExxonMobil: the perennial oil producer that somehow manages to stay relevant-like the “Mamma Mia!” in an old Broadway musical!

With an oh-so-modest 0.05% expense ratio, this ETF says: “You can keep your money, darling! I simply want to help you earn more.”

Monthly smiles with a side of insurance: JPMorgan Nasdaq Equity Premium Income

Lee Samaha (the sage of sound advice): Now, if you’ve heard a lot of buzz about this ETF and its sibling JPMorgan Equity Premium Income ETF, it’s likely because they’re practically joined at the hip in a financial buddy system. The key difference? One dances with Nasdaq-100 stocks, while the other prefers S&P 500 stocks as its prom date.

Both funds max out at 80% in equities and 20% in cheeky equity-linked notes (ELNs) that flirt with selling call options. They’re perfect for those looking for a hefty monthly paycheck without the drama-sorry, I mean risk! What do they bring to the table? Monthly distributions that could impress even your most stubborn relatives at family gatherings.

Just look at the chart! (Yes, I see you peeking.) The ETF has an uncanny knack for weathering the storm, keeping losses low, and sometimes even sporting a positive return when the Nasdaq-100 decides to take a dip. To put this in layman’s terms: you could contract a mean case of the sniffles while watching the Nasdaq stumble, yet still come up with a smiley face on your returns!

Stocking up on the essentials: Vanguard Consumer Staples ETF

Daniel Foelber (the wise investor): When you’ve managed to guide your way through the boisterous world of dividend-paying ETFs, there’s always a middle path to explore-enter the Vanguard Consumer Staples ETF, and skip the dance party!

Let me frame this: consumer staples have been like your grandpa trying to dance the Macarena-down 1% versus the S&P’s swaggering 12.3% rise. They’re the reliable “steady Eddy” while technology and financials turn the disco lights up to eleven. But now, the consumer staples sector finds itself taking a hit due to waning consumer enthusiasm.

Fear not, for in the tough times, heroes emerge! Retail titans like Walmart and Costco Wholesale are leading the way amid troubled waters-accounting for your ETF’s biggest holdings. Unfortunately, brands like Coca-Cola, PepsiCo, and Procter & Gamble appear to be feeling a pinch. Looks like they might need to switch to generic alternatives-ouch!

However, for the long-term investor with an eye for bargains, this is the moment to shine! Whether snagging shares of steadfast staples or tossing your dollars in a low-cost option like Vanguard Consumer Staples ETF (with that sweet 0.09% expense ratio-just 90 cents for every grand invested), your wallet may just thank you later!

The fund also boasts a tantalizing 2.3% yield-a bayou of dividends just waiting for you to paddle your canoe in! Let’s use this opportunity wisely and avoid gigabytes of regrets later on. 😉

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2025-09-30 13:56