Oh, Michael Saylor, you cheeky crypto chameleon! 🦎 Your enterprise software company, Strategy (formerly MicroStrategy, but who’s keeping track? 🤷♀️), has done it again! Another massive Bitcoin haul, because apparently, 600,000 coins just weren’t enough. Now, it’s 628,791, darling! 💰✨
Over the past week, you’ve splurged $2.46 billion on Bitcoin, making it your third-largest purchase. Third-largest! 🥉 That’s like buying a third yacht when you already have two, but for Bitcoin. Priorities, right? 🚀
Bitcoin Binge at Sky-High Prices 🌤️💸
Between July 28 and August 3, Strategy added 21,021 Bitcoins to its treasure trove. At current prices, that’s a cool $71 billion portfolio. 🤑 But hey, who’s counting? (We are, obviously.) The average price per token? A whopping $117,526. Ouch! 😬 That’s almost as much as my last therapy session, but less emotionally draining. Probably.
Saylor, you’ve turned a boring software company into the crypto world’s biggest sugar daddy. 🍭 But let’s be real, your financial strategies are more complex than my love life. 💔
And guess what? Strategy is now the largest corporate Bitcoin holder, leaving poor MARA Holdings in the dust with a measly 50,000 coins. 😂 Sorry, MARA, better luck next time!
Your influence has even inspired other companies to jump on the crypto bandwagon, including Trump’s social media venture. 🗣️ Yes, THAT Trump. Apparently, he’s all about making America the crypto capital of the world. 🌎🇺🇸 Because nothing says “stable economy” like volatile digital currencies, right? 🤪
Saylor’s Promises: As Reliable as a Crypto Chart? 📉📈
To fund these wild purchases, you’ve been selling shares and taking on debt like it’s Black Friday. 🛍️ Your latest preferred stock offering, “Stretch,” sounds like a yoga class, but it’s actually financial acrobatics. 🧘♂️💸
In Q2, Strategy reported a $14 billion unrealized gain, thanks to Bitcoin’s rebound and some fancy accounting. 🎉 But critics like Jim Chanos are side-eyeing your share price premium and all those securities offerings. 👀 Are you playing 4D chess, or just really good at Jenga? 🏗️
Oh, and your pledge to shareholders? No new common shares below 2.5 times net asset value, unless it’s for debt or dividends. 🥂 That’s like promising to only eat one cookie from the jar, but we all know how that ends. 🍪
Since diving into Bitcoin, Strategy’s stock (MSTR) has soared 3,000%, outperforming Bitcoin itself and major indices. 🚀 But Monday came and went with no new purchases. Are you finally taking a breather, or just plotting your next move? 🕵️♀️ Only time will tell, darling. ⏳
Either way, keep serving us these crypto headlines, Saylor. We’re here for the chaos. 🎢💫
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2025-08-05 09:18