🤑 Crypto Chaos: Trump, SpaceX, and Stablecoins Gone Wild! 🌪️

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Ah, the world of crypto-a realm where reality bends like a Gogol nose, and every week brings a new farce! Last week, the global crypto markets danced to the tune of political whims and corporate caprices, proving once again that digital assets are the modern-day Nasreddin Hodja’s donkey-everyone claims to know how to ride it, but no one agrees on the direction. 🌍💸

Behold, dear reader, this week’s edition of the weekly recap, where we unravel the absurdities of the crypto realm. From President Trump’s peculiar pick for the Commodity Futures Trading Commission’s chair to Kyrgyzstan’s audacious launch of a stablecoin backed by its local currency (because why not?), we’ve got it all. SpaceX and Strategy are throwing millions into Bitcoin like it’s a bottomless pit of hope, while Kraken expands with the ferocity of a Gogol bureaucrat on a power trip. 🦑🚀

And let’s not forget the tragicomic duo of WazirX and Bunni-one rising from the ashes of a historic hack, the other collapsing like a poorly built Gogol mansion after an exploit. Life, eh? 🎭💔

  • Kyrgyzstan unleashed the KGST stablecoin after a tête-à-tête with Binance’s CZ, because every country needs its own crypto pet project. 🇰🇬🤝
  • Trump, in a move as predictable as a Gogol protagonist’s misfortune, nominated SEC lawyer Mike Selig to lead the CFTC. 🎩⚖️
  • Coinbase’s $375M Echo deal and Kraken’s IPO ambitions dominated headlines, leaving us wondering if crypto is a gold rush or a Gogol-esque nightmare. 📰💰

Trump’s CFTC Pick: A Tale of Bureaucratic Intrigue

  • President Donald Trump, with the flair of a Gogol antihero, formally nominated SEC lawyer Mike Selig to lead the CFTC, replacing the ill-fated Brian Quintenz. 🗳️🤡
  • White House Crypto Czar David Sacks, in a moment of divine inspiration, confirmed the selection, validating rumors that Selig was the administration’s chosen one. 🕵️♂️✨

Kyrgyzstan’s KGST: A Stablecoin Born of Ambition and Binance Whispers

  • President Sadyr Japarov, with the zeal of a Gogol character chasing a mirage, announced the rollout of KGST, a stablecoin pegged 1:1 to the som. 🇰🇬💱
  • This masterpiece of financial engineering followed a cozy chat with Binance founder Changpeng Zhao, who apparently has a soft spot for Central Asian crypto dreams. 🤝🚀

Tether’s $15 Billion Dream: A Profit Prophecy or Gogol-esque Delusion?

  • The stablecoin titan Tether predicts a $15 billion profit in 2025, a claim as bold as a Gogol character’s overconfidence. 💼💸
  • CEO Paolo Ardoino shared this vision at the Plan B Forum in Lugano, Switzerland, where dreams and delusions often intertwine. 🇨🇭🌟

JPMorgan’s Crypto Collateral Gambit: Lending with a Gogol Twist

  • The banking behemoth plans to let institutional clients pledge Bitcoin and Ethereum as loan collateral, because why not add crypto to the pile of financial risks? 🏦🔗
  • Third-party custodians will safeguard these assets, ensuring the chaos remains somewhat contained. 🛡️🤞

Canada’s Record Crypto Fine: A Moral Tale with a Gogol-esque Moral

  • Canada slapped Cryptomus with a $126 million fine for AML violations linked to child exploitation, ransomware, and sanctions evasion-a tale as grim as a Gogol novella. 🇨🇦⚖️
  • The Vancouver-based firm failed to file over 1,000 suspicious transaction reports, proving that even in crypto, incompetence knows no bounds. 📉🤦♂️

Trump Pardons Binance CEO: A Gogol-esque Pardoning Farce

  • Trump pardoned Binance’s Changpeng Zhao, the crypto kingpin who admitted to money-laundering violations, because nothing says “justice” like a presidential pardon. 🧑⚖️🤑
  • White House spokeswoman Karoline Leavitt claimed it was an exercise of constitutional authority, while the New York Times hinted at Trump’s crypto connections. 📰🤝

WazirX Rises from the Ashes: A Gogol-esque Resurrection

  • The Indian exchange WazirX resumed operations after a $234 million hack, offering zero fees like a Gogol character overcompensating for past failures. 🇮🇳🔄
  • A Singapore court approved the restructuring plan, allowing 6.6 million users to return to the platform-a tale of hope and second chances. 🇸🇬🙏

Bunni’s Tragic End: A Gogol-esque Collapse

  • Decentralized exchange Bunni shut down after an $8.4 million exploit, citing financial constraints-a tragic end fit for a Gogol story. 🐰💔
  • Developers lamented the lack of funds for a secure relaunch, proving that in crypto, even the best intentions can crumble. 🛠️😔

Kraken’s Revenue Boom: A Gogol-esque Ascent

  • Kraken’s revenue doubled to $648 million, a growth as explosive as a Gogol character’s ambition. 🦑📈
  • The exchange prepares for a 2026 IPO, leaving us to wonder if it’s a triumph or a setup for a Gogol-esque downfall. 📊🤔

Coinbase’s Echo Acquisition: A Gogol-esque Power Play

  • Coinbase acquired Echo for $375 million, aiming to solve the age-old problem of founders struggling to raise capital-a move as bold as a Gogol protagonist’s scheme. 🦉💼
  • The deal promises to democratize private token sales, because nothing says “equality” like crypto. 🤝🚀

Strategy’s Bitcoin Binge: A Gogol-esque Accumulation

  • Strategy purchased 168 BTC at an average price of $112,051, bringing its total holdings to 640,418 BTC-a hoard fit for a Gogol treasure tale. 💼💎
  • Their average acquisition price of $74,010 per Bitcoin proves that in crypto, greed knows no bounds. 📈🤑

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2025-10-26 17:56