Oh, the audacity! The audacity of a company daring to call itself “BitMine” when clearly the real name should be “ETH-Hoarder-In-Chief”! A recent scroll of revelations declares they’ve amassed 566,776 ETH, purchased at a mere $3,643 per token—a bargain, if you ask the ghosts of 2021. 🕯️
Lo and behold! This hoard vaults BitMine past the Ethereum Foundation (which, let’s face it, probably forgot where it left its keys) and even Coinbase, the digital equivalent of a pawn shop. And poor SharpLink? Left in the dust with 200k fewer tokens than our hero. BitMine’s goal? To own 5% of Ethereum’s supply. Because why let the little guys have a slice of the pie when you can eat the whole bakery? 🥧➡️💸
Enter Ark Invest, the modern-day alchemists, who’ve poured $170 million into BitMine like it’s a bottomless coffee cup. Ark’s CEO Cathie Wood gushed about their “magnificent vision,” calling them a “next-generation digital asset manager.” Translation: We’re betting the farm on this ship sailing through blockchain storms. ⚓
But wait! BitMine’s not just hoarding ETH like a crypto-squirrel on steroids. Oh no! They’ve launched options trading on the NYSE under ticker “BMNR,” because nothing says “trust us, we’re decentralized” like slapping your stock on Wall Street’s bingo card. 📈 The shares? Up 7% to $42. Congrats! You’re now the belle of the institutional ball. 💃
So what’s next? BitMine: the Swiss Army knife of finance! One day a miner, the next a staker, tomorrow a stock! They’re not just building a company—they’re crafting a cathedral of on-chain capitalism, where the pews are filled with HODLers and the offering plate takes ETH. 🏛️
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2025-07-25 09:40