💰 XRP Roasts ETH Like a Soviet Winter: Coinbase Shockwave! 🚀🔥

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The sun rises crimson over Coinbase’s ledger—like the last gasp of a dying bourgeoisie. XRP, that proletarian rogue, has strangled Ethereum’s bourgeois neck in a financial brawl worthy of a dockside tavern brawl! 🔥

XRP Strangles ETH on Coinbase With the Grace of a Drunken Crane Operator 🏗️

Lo! The SEC’s filings—those tattered scrolls of capitalist bureaucracy—reveal a truth as bitter as cheap vodka: XRP clawed 16% of Coinbase’s loot, leaving Ethereum whimpering at 15%. Ah, the sweet schadenfreude! A year ago, XRP wasn’t even deemed worthy of a footnote, and now? It dances on Ethereum’s grave with hobnail boots. 😈

“Blimey!” cried some bespectacled researcher on X (formerly Twitter, may it rest in capitalist purgatory). “XRP—that scrappy underdog—out-earned ETH! Can you smell the burning Ether? I can!”

Coinbase’s earnings report—more drama than a Chekhov play. Source: Coinbase

Remember 2021? When Coinbase, trembling like a tsarist lackey, booted XRP after the SEC’s wagging finger? Ha! The courts spat on that cowardice. Now XRP is back—hungrier than a stray dog in a meatpacking district. Q2 saw it snatch 13% of revenue while ETH coughed up a measly 12%. Oh, how the mighty tremble! 🤡

And derivatives! Sweet Lenin, the derivatives! Coinbase cackles like a market-hag, boasting of 24/7 futures for BTC, ETH, SOL, and XRP—because why sleep when you can gamble? Weekend volumes now nip at weekdays like rats at a sausage. 🐀

Mark August 18, comrades! Nano XRP futures launch—small enough to fit in a worker’s pocket, yet potent enough to choke the old guard. “Market access for all!” they cry. We’ll see. 😏

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2025-08-02 04:57