Cryptonews

But hold onto your hats, because not all news is bad. Analyst Axel Adler-whose job it is to analyze stuff way beyond our pay grade-noticed some interesting patterns. Starting from the end of February 2024, the average net flow of Bitcoin in and out of exchanges has been mostly negative. Basically, people are taking coins *off* exchanges faster than you can say “hodl,” only putting money in twice-probably just to check if they still have control of themselves. This outflow suggests that investors, long-term ones, are hoarding Bitcoin like it’s the last roll of toilet paper in a drought. 🧻

In his grandiose proclamations-delivered on the stage amidst other financial prophets like Jim Rickards and Brent Johnson-he declared his belief that each dip in Bitcoin’s value is no catastrophe but a divine opportunity. “Buy when others panic,” he intones, as if his voice alone could summon market not chaos, but treasure. He owns roughly seventy-three Bitcoins-an amount that would make even a modest town jealous-and aims for a hundred by year’s end, a feat so daring it could only be measured in the stars.

Ethereum (ETH) is still up 46% over the past month, showing strong momentum, despite a 3.6% drop over the last week. The price has hovered between $3,380 and $3,874 over the last week, suggesting consolidation after recent gains. It’s like a roller coaster that’s decided to take a breather before the next big drop. 🎢

Let’s take a stroll down memory lane-BONK’s nearly done a 40% nosedive from its peak of $0.00004075, skyrocketing off a low of $0.00001143 back in June. Our hero rallied 256% all the way up-then, like a drama queen, it took a bow and fell back, bottoming at $0.00002411. But hold on, the EMA crossover-the one that makes traders hyperventilate-still blushes bullish, hinting that our meme hero isn’t over yet. It’s just taking a breather, maybe, or practicing its dramatic exit.

Ah, but let us pause and marvel at the grandeur of this accomplishment! For now, Capital B boasts a hoard of 2,075 BTC, a number so large it might make even the most stoic of accountants shed a tear of joy 😢. And what of their performance, you ask? Oh, dear reader, prepare to have your mind blown-or at least mildly entertained-as the company reports a Bitcoin yield of 1,446.3% year-to-date. Yes, you read that correctly. One thousand four hundred forty-six point three percent. It seems the gods of cryptocurrency have smiled upon them, or perhaps they’ve simply outsmarted the rest of us peasants.

Separate reports published by the firms have tracked UNC4899, also known as TraderTraitor, a North Korean threat group tied to the country’s military intelligence. Because if you can’t beat them, join them and steal their crypto. 💸

BlackRock’s iShares Ethereum Trust ETF (ETHA) bore the brunt, losing a staggering $375 million-imagine that, almost enough to buy a small island or at least a lifetime supply of coffee. Fidelity’s Ethereum Fund (FETH) wasn’t far behind, surrendering $55.1 million, perhaps to the allure of simpler pursuits-like monopoly, or sitting on the porch, contemplating the meaning of blockchain in a world gone mad.

Over the past week, you’ve splurged $2.46 billion on Bitcoin, making it your third-largest purchase. Third-largest! 🥉 That’s like buying a third yacht when you already have two, but for Bitcoin. Priorities, right? 🚀

Before this brave new cadence, crypto was as welcome as a cat in a crocodile pond: effectively illegal, with clear notes about how crypto wasn’t legal tender-just a rebellious digital ghost haunting their shores. Now, in 2025, they’re wooing the blockchain crowd with licenses, regulations, and the faint but unmistakable whiff of ambition. 🐱🌊

O wretched kiosks! Behold, the new frontier of criminal enterprise! The U.S. Department of the Treasury’s Financial Crimes Enforcement Network (FinCEN), that vigilant guardian of fiscal virtue, has issued a notice on Aug. 4, warning that these so-called “crypto ATMs” are now the preferred tool of transnational scoundrels. 🧠 These devices, which promise the magic of fiat-to-digital alchemy, are being exploited by gangs of thieves to spirit away ill-gotten gains with the swiftness of a startled squirrel! 🐿️